Sunday, November 29, 2009

... flying high up among the clouds...

The last couple days I have been rather in a strange mood, I've pretty much cleaned not only my room but a large portion of the house.  In doing so I also rearranged my cupboards so I can better find my clothes as I have a wide range of nice clothes from Mossimo, 26 Red, JAG and Quiksilver just to drop a few names.

The really funny thing is some of my most favourite tops are from Target, these tops have a plain simple elegance and I have to admit I think they suit me. I tend to go for the not too flash things although if it's flashy & I like it then I might get it. Having done that I also went out and did a little "shopping for self" even though Christmas isn't too far off. I purchased a few small items and only spent $50 on myself when I was tempted to spend an extra $100 or so.

I had a splurge at the supermarket too... I brought some cookies, ice cream, chocolate and fruit - Pink Lady Apples and some seedless grapes... yummy.  I have had an ice cream and some grapes so far and I must say they were delicious.  I will take an apple with me for lunch tomorrow along with my beef noodles and Crunchie chocolate bar.

I guess I should end this up and get some sleep since I will be awake in about 7 hours and at work in 8 and a half.  It's been a long few weeks work wise but the overtime pay is very handy at this time of year too.

I'm here for my friends...

Whenever things seem to be getting too much for you and you don't feel like you have a friend always remember that I am here for you no matter what the time of day or night.  I wouldn't mind being woken as long as you were ok, because if anything happened to you then my world would not be as happy or as bright as it is because you are part of it.

I know that you have a lot of things in your mind and your past, remember I too have my issues and I just want you to know that if you ever want to talk to me I'm here...  that's one reason I always help you out with certain things because I don't want you to be unable to talk to me when you feel you want or need to do so.

Right now a debate rages in my mind, should I go there or stay here... because I know you are hurting a great deal and need comforting but I also know that you have people in your life that should be looking after you but maybe they don't understand just how fragile you are... sometimes the most beautiful flower is the most delicate.  I know you probably wouldn't want me there anyway because that in itself would also make things more difficult.

I mean after everything between us we find ourselves still friends and I have to admit there are many times that I can still feel that more exists than just that simple friendship.  The way I always seem to lift when you are about tells me that there is something about you that I just seem to cannot do without.  My world has become a far better place because of you and I hope that your world is better because of me.

I want you to talk to me, to open up and share some of your pain with me because I know that you need to share it so that it doesn't eat you alive.  My sharing of my pain with you has in fact helped me a great deal and I feel bad because I have a feeling that my pain has only added to your pain.  And this saddens me because I never meant to hurt you, I just wanted you to understand me and my life a little more because you are very very important to me.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

quiet contemplation... yet again...

Many people who know me understand that I tend to spend a lot of time in thought, probably because my life has so very much going on within it that sometimes I need to step back and think about the path I am taking before I find myself moving down a dead end street.

I've had much in my life to think about and contemplate but lately the past isn't really something I've been looking at it has in fact been the future.  I know that what I feel for some people in my life isn't what they feel for me and there are some who only care because it gets them something they don't have. Lately I've been evaluating the importance of those I have in my life and have decided that it's time to start looking more at what is best for me and not just everyone in my life.

There are only a handful of people whom I feel are worthy of true friendship and these people are those I trust and respect more than anything. One of them means more to me than anyone who isn't family has ever before and to be honest I've never felt the level of comfort or contentment that I do when I talk to her that I have with anyone.  I also have never felt as lost as I do when she's not about, this is something I never expected to feel because the last time I felt these things I was engaged and even then they weren't this strong.

I will admit it scares and worries me at times because I've got no control over this part of my life, I am at the mercy of my emotions and that's truly something I don't enjoy.  I know that she reads these & I'm sure that at times she wants to say stuff but doesn't know how.  Honestly if she wants to say something, all that is needed is a text or an e-mail and I'm sure of one thing.  She has never once let me down or done anything that's made me care about her less, if anything I've let her down and not been there for her when she has needed me the most and I should be shot for that.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Inside my thoughts.... (just a little insight, say 10%)

A very good friend wrote a blog about this subject and it was something I thought was relevant.

Like many of us my brain is over active, probably because the work I do is rather mundane which means I have to find things to occupy my mind.  This can sometimes be a very bad thing especially when I've been working hard, am tired and feeling as if the world is closing in around me or ignoring me. In these instances I start to feel more alone and subsequently I become disheartened and rather down. I guess the main reason this happens is because I have had a wide variety of events that I would call pivotal and life changing.

A lot of these events aren't nice and as a result I tend to sometimes close myself off to the world because I become scared or worried about a variety of things.  I always feel that I have let people down because of a variety of events within my past. Many of these are things I have locked away and I honestly only share them when I feel comfortable and can fully trust someone. Even today I still have secrets that nobody else knows, and there are others that only one other person is aware of.

As a younger person I had a wide variety of dreams and as I grew some of those changed because of one event or another.  Sometimes disappointment or disenchantment caused me to alter my dreams and sometimes these were not always within my own control and that also made it hard to deal with as I grew.  Couple into this the wants and desires of parents who wanted to avenge the failures they made in life through the one vessel they felt capable of achieving that goal, me.  These pressures were something a child should never be burdened with and my parents' continually showed displeasure when I was unable to achieve the goals they has so loftily set for me.

Both parents were athletes and my father was even a Junior Olympian yet he felt he hadn't reached his full potential and had decided that I would be able to achieve what he didn't full Olympic Glory.  I knew within myself I wasn't capable but I went along for the ride because if I didn't my life would've been far more miserable.  I trained extensively and could easily have been classed as someone with an eating disorder because I was pretty much skin, muscle and bone.  I had less body fat than a marathon runner, probably because I was always on the go.

Today I am still pretty much non-stop, I just have more than one thing to drive me along, my mind still finds that it needs to search for stimulation and if it doesn't it tends to seek out memories and once it has it tends to focus on what if's then and this can be sometimes fun and it can also be sometimes bad.  The most recent what if's involve the friend who writes blogs and I will admit we have had some history together, just not as much as either of us had hoped I think.

There are things that I have been wanting to say to her and talk to her about and sometimes I can sort of brush on them here in vague detail, but I am scared to go too far because I don't know who reads them.  I have been contemplating sending her an e-mail but I don't know if she reads them because she doesn't send responses to the letters or reply to some of the questions within them.  I care about her very much & I know she cares for me but I don't know how much because like me she too can be very guarded and closed off in ways.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

oh I love that sound...

I'm relaxing on my bed, and I'm home all alone in silence listening to the ebb and flow of the rain as it starts out light then gets heavy and moves to a more steady constant tone. I have my window open just a peek so that the aroma can softly waft inside as the gentle smell of rain is so amazing and to be honest yesterday before it even rained I could smell it was coming.

The gentle drumming on the tin roof is so very calming and could easily put me to sleep, kinda like the white noise you get when your TV doesn't have a channel signal.  The sound of the rain has this magical effect, it's able to calm a troubled mind whilst lightly sedating us without our knowledge.

I love how certain simple things calm me and put a smile on my face... storms and the rain do it but they are unpredictable and you can't always get them when they're needed most.  One thing that lifts me up n gets me smiling is a special lady, just her being around makes me feel better & to be honest I've never felt that before in my life...

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Oh my what a day that was...

I went to bed last night with the air conditioner on and a sheet over me to keep the cool air off because I cannot afford to get a chill and end up sick.  I was awakened by my alarm at 5am, got up showered and got ready for work then went outside, I was greeted by a warm blast of air as I opened the door to the outside world.  I got in my car and my brother got in the passenger seat and we drove to work.

I got to work and found that we were a man down already, that only made things worse as that meant 2 of us were doing the work of 3 people.  As it stood this morning I had 2 days work to get out in 1 and being a man down pushed that out more because it slowed normal production down as we were covering other areas.  Still as normal we are expected to get our daily figures out and manage to cover the gap by working a lot harder (and be expected to do that on a wage that barely covers the Federal Award conditions)

It was also hot and the shed I work in is open to the heat as it has no air conditioning, just fans that blow the already hot air around the shed.  The fans are not for our comfort either, they are intended to keep the machines cool so they can run efficiently and cost effectively for the business.  Fat lot of good that will do when the people running them pass out because of heat stress. I was in fact close to passing out a few times today, I crashed into a few items of steel and hurt an already very sore finger several times.

I'm not saying that it was just hot I mean it was hot - 40C (104F) at lunchtime in the shade, which there wasn't too much of near my shed.  And that hot sun was beating down on the steel walls of my shed slowly turning it into a giant sauna.  I finished working my 10 hours as we have been doing that the past few weeks so as to catch up where we are falling behind, but it doesn't work when you go men down to start the day.

At the end of the day I had to have my brother drive the car as I was in no state to drive, I was almost out on my feet and I slept about 95% of the trip home.  Even now it's taking me ages to write this as I keep nodding off.  I'm stiff, sore, tired, drained (physically from work and emotionally coz of other stuff) and I really need a certain friend but it seems they aren't there.  I guess I will have to continue to suffer and hope they realise just how badly I need to talk to them at this time.  :'(

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


I want to tell you about something that happened to me today at work, it was a little unfortunate but a lot funny.

We have a large metal cutting saw which we use on a daily basis to cut high volumes of metal to the right length for us to do our work.  Anyway we had a guy running the saw filling in as the normal guy who runs it wasn't there.  The saw had a problem so I went over to fix that up and then restarted it, only to find the pump wasn't pushing out the cooling liquid. 

As a result some investigation was needed, the liquid tank is 100 litres, but the reason it didn't flow was a lack of liquid, the other issue was all the really fine metal filings that had filled up the tank, this took a bit of cleaning out and in the end I had to refill the tank.

We only have like a 10 litre bucket and the tank was gonna take about 7 or 8 bucket fulls of the cooling liquid, which we have to make up using a meaasuring cup and a lot of water.  Anyways the process of doing the mixing is aided by a sink and in the course of my travels I managed to tangle my bucket up with my tap and sink. This resulted in a tipped bucket and me wearing about 4 litres of liquid right down my front.  The bucket managed to release the liquid at the top of my belt and down the front of my pants across my groin and down the inner legs.

Not a very good look believe me and worst of all was the fact that under garments also got wet so not only did I look like I had to be toilet trained again I actually felt like I needed to have my pants changed as everything got wet... it was a laugh for everyone there and I spent the next hour or so with wet pants.

OK... here goes..

I was once engaged over 10 years ago while I was in the military and away quite a bit with work, naturally she felt I was away too much and in the end became distant.  While we were together I was happy and I missed her like mad when I was away too, we talked almost daily then she stopped talking to me and in the end it all went horribly bad.

During our engagement she became pregnant and I was given the impression the child was mine, so you can imagine my surprise when I get home to a half empty house and no note.  A week went by, to be honest it could've been a couple days coz at that time I had no idea of time or space, I was a total mess and I didn't want to even go to work etc. Anyway I got a phone call from her, she used a pay phone and gave me just one message.. "you're not the dad" then hung up.

I went thru 3 months of 3 times a week visits to a Psychiatrist, and after 3 months it went back to 2 times a week and after that a visit a week for 2 months then according to them I was ok.  To be honest I wasn't I kinda did a little bluffing and got out of the treatment a bit ahead of schedule.  I was sick of the visits and all of it really and had decided I was ok and got cleared - I probably had another 6 or 7 visits left to go to really be ok. 

Havimg skipped those I was still pretty vulnerable and hadn't really trusted women enough to enter a relationship with anybody new until I was 'better'.  I came across this guy giving a lady a hard time at a Brisbane pub and it wasn't on, I was taught you respect ladies, not abuse them.  I helped her out and he got kicked out. Long story short was we met a few times after and ended up dating and it was just after we started that I found out she was an exotic dancer.  Others would refer to her as a stripper, well that is because she did take her clothes off and so forth and let me tell you it was an interesting relationship as I still  had trust issues.

Thing is with her job she was always open and honest with me and we talked about so many things together which actually helped me a lot too - I would like to thank her but I lost contact with her when I was forced to move with the Army.  We talked about the long distance thing and even gave it a go for a bit but with our schedules and the cost of travel and everything at the time it wasn't viable for either of us so we mutually decided to end the relationship.  Since this relationship I have had a few others but none have really seemingly done me any good or had an impact on me until about 18 months ago.  I was involved with an amazing lady and for some reason she could bend me at her will.

I had built up and developed walls over a variety of relationships and had even built in my own personal safe guards so as to avoid being hurt like I was when I was engaged.  I had been talking and communicating with her for some time and got to know her as an amazing, fun caring person and for some reason I totally trusted her and this is not something I take on lightly after all tht things I've been thru.  I felt unnaturally comfortable talking to her and I have since become very close to her so much so that she knows more of my secrets than anyone (with the exception of me that is)

I fell in love with her, still care very much about her and to be honest have a feeling she still has strong feelings for me but something is keeping her away... maybe it's the 2000 or so Kilometres between us that is the hardest thing to deal with.

Monday, November 16, 2009

living a rollercoaster

I was awakened at 5am by my alarm and felt tired but I was happy as it was a nice cool morning and it wasn't expected to get too hot today.  I had a shower and got ready for work and was feeling a bit of disdain from my brother who seemed to be a little angry for some reason, probably because like me he was up earlier than usual. 

I drove to work and to be honest as I was driving I didn't feel the slightest bit tired, I started work and that was the first flash to the hours before. Hours when I was trying to sleep and battling a myriad of mental and physical issues each impacting me in a variety of ways.  I am stressed mentally and physically from the long hours and the heat we have recently been battling.  Add to these external factors and it leaves a hot bed of emotions that can rapidly climb to a joyous peak or slump to a deep dark pit of despair. 

I was able to focus on aspects of work while there to keep me feeling ok but I always found my thoughts moving to other things that had troubled me from the previous night, now as I am home alone without a single friend talking to me when I need one now to talk to as my brother isn't the kind of person to want to help people with issues.. his whole philosophy is 'if it don't involve me I don't wanna hear it'.  Typical of his self centred nature, and common with many members of my family unfortunately they continue to just sit blindly there and not even care.

The lack of compassion or caring was one of the catalysts behind me joining the military, I so wanted to get away from them as all they did was drain the life from me.  In the military I was able to make friends and a lot were helpful and a lot were similar to my parents with the ME ME ME attitude and I never liked that. I found happiness but that dream became the biggest nightmare I have known to date.

I have endured so many things and when I am down they all seem to attack me and try to keep me down, the one thing that defeats that and puts the smile back on my face is missing and it is worrying me because they normally are there to help me but now all of a sudden they don't seem to be there so I am battling my demons in my personal hell as best I can at this time... I am losing

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Oh my goodness

Talk about a bit of a weird morning, I woke up because the damn sun was peeking thru my curtain and hitting me on the face.  When finally I was awake enough I came to realise that my room had been invaded overnight by these little black and grey bugs, they were everywhere even crawling on me in my bed for crying out loud.  So I decided it was KILL THE BUGS time as they were so damn annoying, I couldn't relax as they were on me every single second and sometimes more than one.

Anyway I decided to get the fly spray, I picked it up and low and behold it was almost totally empty, it gave a couple weak sprays and that was it. I needed more, I looked in the lounge, kitchen and all the other rooms and finally found some in my brothers room.  While there I noticed his room was invaded too and it also had another visitor, a big brown Huntsman Spider the size of my palm just happened to be on his bed right where his head normally would be but he was away for the evening.

I left him be and went after these darn annoying bugs I mean they get in your ears and up your nose they are so infuriating. I sprayed those in my brothers room and my room and then decided to go thru the rest of the house to be sure... on closer inspection they had invaded every room even the toilet wasn't safe from them.  I needed to get outside for some fresh air and low and behold they were everywhere outdoors but not as thick or as annoying as they were inside.

I decided to get away for a while and went for a small walk of about a kilometre and then came home to a much less annoying and not as invaded house. I couldn't have breakfast with the bugs around or even do the laundry that is how bad they were, to be honest I felt bad having to kill them but it was the quickest and easiest way to alleviate the problem as it was just so many.

I think the spider may have also got a bit of the spray for the bugs too, I couldn't find him when I got back after my walk and I think he may have crawled off some place to die.  I don't like killing spiders as they are cool coz they help keep the annoying bugs away plus my dad is mega scared of them and squeals like a girl when he sees one. I told him we had one here and for some reason he didn't want to come and visit when I asked him to.

Saturday, November 14, 2009


I didn't work today but easily could have, I instead relaxed and slept in sort of and I have been rather comfy with how I spent my morning.  Now after a long tiring day out in the hot sun I have aching muscles and joints but the discomfort is worth it, I had a real blast.

I feel tired physically because it managed to get quite hot and nasty out but I was pretty sensible although I did forget sunscreen on my arms a couple times.. oh well I have had them sunburned before and I will just have to put up with it won't I.  I am actually a bit thirsty so I will just go n grab a drink n be right back for more blogging.

That's better I feel a little more refreshed and think I might have gotten a bit too dehydrated today but that really is only one person's fault ... mine, I obviously didn't drink enough earlier in the day to compensate for the draining heat.  I did ok at cricket but was given out on a bit of a dodgy call, which also happens too and the guy that did the call was a bit of an ass anyway and seems to be getting bigger.

I think I'll leave this blog there as I'm rambling and it has no real point to it now...

OUCH CRAMP... in my right foot... aww it hurts oooowwwww

HMMM big stretch....

Good morning world, it is 7am on  a warm yet sunny Saturday morning and the sun is peeking thru a gap in my curtains and happened to wake me up. I had my best night sleep for a while last night and I feel really relaxed and positive about the day ahead.  I'm currently being lazy and just laying in my bed but I really should get up and do some stuff like have breakfast but I dunno what to have as I just have too many yummy things to choose from.

I have cricket this afternoon and the team looks pretty damn good today thanks to a bit of help from the 1st team, I have to admit being Captain of the 2nd team can sometimes be a hassle but we have a policy.... It doesn't matter if you win or lose, as long as you have FUN. So far we haven't won a game but that is because we have a large volume of junior players and that is why the philosophy is to have fun as they don't need the stress of WIN, WIN, WIN.

I seriously need a shave, but since I've been working long hours and so forth I couldn't be bothered with it and I thought well I will do it on the weekend and since it's here now I guess I should look at doing it coz right now it has that horrible itch to it and I have to admit it's really annoying.  Of course after that I will have either a nice long soaking bath or a lovely warm shower, I just can't decide what at this time.  Ohhh just interrupted my typing with a big long stretch, to get my muscles etc working again, like they need prompting after the week of work I've had.

Speaking of muscles, I've been formulating a workout regimen as I feel totally fat n lazy, because I haven't really done anything much exercise wise since my accident in April.  But that is gonna change now as I think I'll keep the 5am wake ups so I can exercise in the cool once caught up with all the damn work.  It'll be different in winter of course... I think it will be 5pm exercise sessions then LOL.

As I'm typing my hears are being treated to the melodious sounds of an angelic voice which is mixed up with the strong music of a wonderful band called Paramore.  I know that Hayley is amazing, she sounds awesome and looks good and her man is so lucky to have such a sought after girl.  Personally I wish I had someone too, I kinda did but things didn't work out there for some reason and to be honest I still love her, but I know we are too far apart for anything to work at this time.  I will always care about her because she was and in many ways still is a very important part of my life as she is my most valued friend and the one person who I feel I can tell anything to.  She already knows more of my secrets than any person alive, apart from me.

I've got a heap to do but my main tasks this morning are to relax, get myself cleaned up and get ready for Cricket this afternoon... I hope to have a good day and really do hope that we have a win but if we don't that's ok too because in the big wide scheme of things winning isn't really that important, having a good fun time is.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Feeling good but different..

I've been working long hard hours and they actually have me feeling good in ways, I actually feel a lot like I did years ago when I was in the Army.  I feel tired and to be honest it is a rewarding tired, something that I haven't felt in a while really.  I've been feeling a great deal of negativity but that is because I've had a large volume of negative energy thrown my way over the last few weeks.  I was fortunate enough to be working alone this afternoon and I did a lot of thinking while I had the solitude of my thoughts.

I'm also feeling pretty good and content within myself after a few days of struggles and hassles with sleep and so forth. I have this very relaxed almost euphoric feeling that I've had only once in the last year and a half.  I know when I had it & why I had it back then but I'm not too sure why I have that feeling now.  I've got a suspicion the feeling is to do with a dream I had last night.  What I remember wasn't at all spectacular but it was comforting and very much reassuring for me.

I have even started making plans & working on other things too.... such as getting new brushes and paint etc as my creativity is again flowing thru me like a flooding river which has burst its banks and spread appreciably over the dry parched landscape.  Even my mind is thinking faster and clearer than it has in many years, I can't remember the last time I felt this lucid or my thoughts were so transparent to me.

I have a myriad of aches, pain and bruises but they simply seem to blur into the background like an out of focus photograph.  My energy levels are again lifting to older levels and I think that may be the onset of another stint of fitness as well as seeing a wide scope of tasks and jobs completed if I can correctly focus my energy, in the way a fireman focusses his water blasts at the base of the flames to extinguish the fire.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

it's so darn hot...

So far I have started work early every day this week and by early I mean 6:30am people... that isn't my normal start time, normally it is 7:45am.  I finish work usually at 4:30pm but this week generally I am lucky if I am out by 4:45pm, with some days finishing at 5pm. Add onto those hours the fact the temperature each day has been 40 degrees centigrade and you get one very hot tired n cranky person.

The last day or 2 I've been rather snappy at a few people and not as tolerant as normal even when people are just joking around which is totally unusual for me really.  I love to joke around n have fun like everyone else but the heat and the fact I've been working hard and am more tired than a one legged guy after a butt kicking contest doesn't help me feel any better.

Caring about people, missing them and having other friends and family seemingly ignore you also makes life a little bit more of a challenge but I have been fighting the bad thoughts and feelings pretty well this week thanks to a little message from a very special friend who has helped me get thru the bad times a bit better than normal.

Naturally work is only one small part of the things I must organise and do, there are sports grounds to prepare... newsletters to edit and layout as well as webpages and sports administration to take care of not to forget the Fire Brigade duties of Communications Officer, all of these things have me running around like a chicken that got the chop...

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Lest We Forget

They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old.. Age shall not weary them nor the years condemn... At the going down of the sun and in the morning we shall remember them... LEST WE FORGET.

November 11 1918 saw the end of the Worlds first great conflict and this date was known as Armistice Day - as it was the official end of World War 1 and many nations around the world mark this event with Remembrance ceremonies and having served 6 years in the military I was involved in quite a few of these...

Sunday, November 8, 2009


Sunday morning and a couple hours ago I woke up, now it's just on 7am... that' right people it is early Sunday morning and I am awake and I don't know why that is.I know that at this time of day things there is almost nobody awake or around and things are quiet, unless you count the stupid birds doing all that early morning noise stuff.

It's totally crazy because I'm tired but I'm not tired, I'm in bed but I don't wanna be in bed, but I also don't wanna get up and do stuff this early as it will make for a very long and more tiring Sunday which I need to use to relax so that I can go to work Monday feeling better and stuff like that. I'm so muddled at the moment and I feel like I have so many things tugging me in so many different directions at the moment.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Pain and suffering

The last few weeks have been somewhat draining with work and I thought it was time to do a small run down of each of my aches and pains since today I played cricket and didn't have too fun a day.  I have sore feet and ankles from working on hard hot concrete floors all day long, the lack of impact insulation has really left my feet aching.

I've got tight muscles in my back and shoulders from working extra hard and long hours. To be honest I think the sorest part of those is my right shoulder.  This was exacerbated by also doing ground and pitch preparations for cricket, the Roller for the pitch isn't engineered right and it is too heavy so if it slows down too much you have a tougher time moving it or getting it moving again.  Having to move and push that hulk  only added to the sore back n shoulder by adding in more tight muscles around those that were already sore.  Add to that now a stiff neck from the shoulder and the lower back muscles being sore now too.

Last weekend I reinjured 3 of my fingers on my right hand, these I had hurt a week and a half before when I got hit by a cricket ball in a defensive reflex action.  It was a cricket ball that reinjured them during a match this time, and since then each of those fingers have been painful and I can't close my hand properly either so that makes work also painful too.  A couple times today I again hit these fingers and can see bruising around a couple of the knuckles today too, so another ouch.

I was wicketkeeping, which is a bit like being a catcher in baseball without all the protective gear, and I got hit by a ball that rose sharply. It was too quick a rise for my hands to meet it and got past my gloves and crashed into my collar bone with a very loud sharp thud. A close fieldsman said he heard how hard it hit said I know that one hurt bad but I didn't go off, I continued on still hurting but never quiting.

Of course earlier in the day I had batted before taking the field, this was also difficult because my hand was aching so it meant that I lacked some control and a little bit of the essential concentration to play good shots, it was because of this that I got hit 4 times, once in the lower stomach, once in the left thigh and twice in the right thigh, with 2 on my right thigh being right next to each other making a laying down 8 ( the infinity symbol)

At this rate I will probably need somebody to knock me out so that I will be able to sleep soundly tonight.

Friday, November 6, 2009

yay I am happy

I'm being CAREFUL because sometimes we do sometimes come across IGNORANCE, normally this is when someboy is PLAYING GOD.

I know it strange but our lives can be likened to building a house, each day, week, month etc could be a single brick in this house and it gets built one BRICK BY BORING BRICK at a time.  If bad things in our life could be shut out by throwing a switch we would TURN IT OFF. 

Sometimes we find love and other times it finds us, THE ONLY EXCEPTION is when it is found simultaneously between two people. Sometimes we find someone only to find another person who we feel is better and we end up FEELING SORRY and LOOKING UP to WHERE THE LINES OVERLAP in relationships because they get blurred when friends can be more than we want them to be.

Even now we can be harrassed by the MISGUIDED GHOSTS of our past which try to illuminate our present and ALL I WANTED was to DECODE the message that they have brought thru in my dreams.

(Have a look at the CAPITALS - they will help you see better.... since they have given you BRAND NEW EYES.... LOL)

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Pretty relaxed

I dunno if it was the company of friends, the good meal or he few beers I had at the local pub... but I feel pretty good and really relaxed at this time. I'm now just laying back in bed and have just noticed that it's just ticked past 10:30pm which means I should be sleeping since I've gotta be up at 5am to get myself ready for work which I start at 6:30am.

I listened to a few songs on the radio, did some work and had cricket training and the only thing that I really wanted today I didn't get but tht's ok as I could get it tomorrow or Saturday, I'm still being optimistic about it but I won't hold my breath.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


Well today I started it by waking up at 4am, to be honest I have no idea why I was up that early so I tried to get back to sleep and had one of those sort of half sleep things, kinda like a power nap.  I got up at 5a, when my alarm was beeping at me, had my shower and got myself set for the day ahead.  It was like every other day but it was a better day than normal because I felt PDG (Pretty Damn Good).

I had breakfast, went to work and had a coffee to help kickstart my day because I was feeling a little flat and needed something to kick me into gear. I started working and got items ready to make the custom orders that I usually do each day... normally it is pretty boring stuff and today was no different, in fact the only difference was the sounds coming from the radio.

I worked, had my morning break and worked again before having lunch.  I had myself some lovely yummy beef noodles and some fruit juice before craving a chocolate bar so I went to the machine and got a Peppermint Aero - oh it was just what they needed.  Of course I would have preferred a Crunchie, they are so darn yummy.  I finished lunch went back to work and worked until the siren sounded to end the days work.

I came home and relaxed listening to some music, Bullet for my Valentine, Disturbed and a few other bands just to relax and wind down... just like I used to every day for so long, so long ago.  It is great to be back into old habits and back into the swing of things.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Happy, happy, joy, joy...

Ok today has been a strange one to say the least, I spent it waking around 7:30 and that is unusual because it was a day off and normally I can sleep in.  I didn't have any special plans for the day to be honest and I was just gonna pretty much wing it all day long.  I started off doing a little work, designing some stuff for the local cricket club that goes in the local pub.  I got most of it done but got a case of  'that'll do for now' and just sat back and listened to music for a while.

I watched a movie, had a bit of a nap as I was still tired after the events of yesterday, having worked long hours on a very hot day. That not only had me weakened physically but also mentally and normally this is when I am at my most vulnerable, thankfully nothing happened today to upset my normally delicate balance when I am vulnerable.  I was so relaxed and calm today for some reason and I have a feeling that part of it is do to do with things that have been going thru my mind for the past few weeks and so forth.

The many things are all good things and my life seems to finally be realigning itself onto the right course.  I'm drawing again which is a sign that mentally I am back to my old self, as is the listening to music lots and just relaxing.  Being artistic and creative is how I relax, I haven't written many poems since last year or done any story writing but I know it isn't far away.

To be honest the more elaborate my dreams are at night the more I feel my creative mind is finally getting itself back into a rythmn that will be overflowing with creativity in no time flat... then look out world.


I have to admit I've had so much going on that it has been muddling up my thoughts and stuff so of course there are times when a series of things has combined to create something interesting - like some of my recent dreams.  I know that some of the aspects of the dream were something that I haven't fully elaborated on but that is because I'm a little ashamed to fully express them in such a public medium.  I have been able to talk about them with friends, namely those in them but that's about it really because I feel they don't really belong to anyone else but me and those shown in the dreams.

Same as sometimes the full nature of those dreams is only something I know fully, if I can remember it all that is as some dreams do have areas that I can't really remember even though I have an idea why that is and I'm sure if the people in the dream asked me what it was then I may be able to tell them otherwise I try not to think about them as they are a subconscious projection of things that I have either been talking or thinking about and usually what is in them won't eventuate but naturally many of the things are things I wish would happen.

Same as lately there had been things that happened in the past year or so that I needed to get out and off my chest and to be honest they were a bit hard to talk about because some of the memories associated with it all are painful but to really go forward I had to venture back a little and because I have done that I am far more relaxed and at ease with where things currently stand because I know I haven't let anyone down and I'm sure that those who matter know exactly what they mean to me.  As the saying goes "Sometimes those that mind don't matter while those that don't mind sometimes matter"

Of all the people that are (or have been) a part of my life only a few truly matter and what I feel about them will never change, they may grow, change and sometimes they might even fall from my life but their memories and the things they gave me will alway remain.  Two people who are gone now and never forgotten are my grandparents (my dad's folks) they have both had an influence and effect on my life and the things I learnt from them will always be something I will cherish.

My grandmother said to me once, respect and trust can be very hard to gain but they are so easily lost.  I was young then and to be honest I didn't understand but now more than ever I can understand them. Only because my trust and respect was once beaten up and spat out by someone who was my whole world. If I give you my respect and trust then there must be a very strong reason for this because to be honest it doesn't get given out that easily, it is more precious than gold and almost as precious as my heart.  I used to fall in love easily as a teen and now I give out my heart even less often than I do my trust and respect.

I know it sounds rather melodramatic but the truth is trust can be more fragile than centuries old paper and like the old books they are made into when the paper is gone their is nothing left.  I finally am fully content and back to being the person I once was many many years ago before my world went dark and forboding on me, finally the light has returned and I feel like a new person, more alive and relaxed than ever before.

Why the fuss?

They call it the race that stops a nation and to be honest I can't see what all the fuss is about really, simply put it is just a horse race and there are far too many people that go way overboard on a day like this.  Instead of worrying about the race I've been relaxing at home watching movies, listening to music and doing the odd spot of cleaning.

I can bet if I turned the TV on to normal shows at the time of the race they would have it showing on every channel almost, how lame is that? I mean you don't need everyone showing the same thing, it's like switching channels to find the same advert is on 3 or more channels it gets annoying.  Thankfully I can just turn up my music and listen to the sound of Hayley Williams voice as I relax.

Monday, November 2, 2009

work... sometimes it's better to be sick

we all do it but sometimes we would rather be doing something else, students whine about school and how they hate their teachers coz they are tough.  Bill Gates (Mr. Microsoft) said once that teachers are easy, just wait until you get a boss.

Of course work is sometimes easy and sometimes hard, we get paid for it and sometimes we aren't paid what we are worth while others are paid way too much for their lack of skills or knowledge. Take where I work for example a simple business that manufactures a series of products for the national and international markets and of course they were silly enough to expore to China so now they have a similar cheaper product to compete with that is of a lesser quality thankfully.

I should get to the point of this blog now I guess... anyway I started work at 6:30am and I work in a large steel framed shed with corrugated iron for walls and the roof. This lovely shed has zero air conditioners and has just 3 big industrial fans.  I work with steel and generally have to weld and grind the material to create the product which in itself is normally rather hot work.  Today I finished at 4:30pm and during the day listened to the radio station giving the local weather forecast and at 3:00pm the temperature was 41 degrees Celsius (105.8 Fahrenheit for those that use the old measure)  normal safe working practices require staff to stop when temperatures exceed 37 Celsius (98.7 Fahrenheit)

I've worked in that shed when the temperature in my personal work space was 45.3 Celsius, (113.5 Fahrenheit) - I kept working because the orders don't stop coming in, the irony here is a machine we use to cut the steel is run by computer and when it is operated in temperatures over 37 degrees it can overheat and cause a wide range of problems for us to deal with.  Whereas a person works slow and steady getting the job done correctly, so sometimes machines aren't worth it.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Love can be painful...

I know this from my own personal experiences, to be totally honest love is that powerful it can kill and I personally have been down the dark path of love before.  Sure love can be all roses and happy things but when it goes bad it can become a monster that none of us can stop.  We don't realise just how potent this one emotion and feeling can be until it has us fully in its grasp.

When one of my past relationships fell apart before I knew what had happened I found myself in a place so dark and unforgiving that I actually thought I wouldn't get out of it alive. Thankfully I had friends there that helped me find a way out of that hell hole I had thrown myself into and with a lot of work and help I recovered my life and my sanity.  That love almost destroyed me completely but since then I have learned to cope with many of lifes trials and tribulations including finding and losing love over and over again.

The one thing that I never thought possible was loving that strongly again, but of course I was wrong and to be totally honest I had found love could be even stronger than that I had felt before.  I still feel that love now and battle daily to maintain myself and my sanity because unfortunately the woman I love currently loves another.  I respect her as a person and she is a good friend whom I trust more than anyone I've ever knowm for some reason and that for me is such an enormous step considering the events of my past.

She loved me once and to be honest I still feel that she loves me but she is scared to fully commit herself for some reason and I think part of that is to do with events that happened last year.  She felt the pain of love very badly last year and I wanted so much to be there for her and comfort her but alas I was over 2000 kilometres away and not able to get there for her.  I'm sure she knows how bad I feel for not being there for her and for not being able to comfort her, especially when her pain caused the rebirth of some of my own personal demons.

I found myself battling the horrible ghosts of my past at the same time because I wasn't there for her and felt that I had seriously let her down and ruined her trust in me.  This was something that had reared itself when my previous relationship turned sour because she left me stranded without an explanation or a reason and I felt that I had been the one at fault and caused her to leave.  Naturally this wasn't the case but when you blame yourself incessantly for weeks on end it becomes a part of your natural thinking.

As it turns out I had a relapse of those old feelings because I felt that I had failed her, let her down and felt that I had not properly shown her the love she so deserved to experience.  Since then however I have learnt many things and I know now that she knew how much I cared about her, because she was worried about me as much as I was about her.  That's because she knows how bad my past was and how close to destroying me it had become.

If I could change those events I would gladly do that because I hate to see her in pain, even more so if I couldn't stop her pain I would give anything to have been there to comfort her like she wanted me to.  I would've sold my soul to the devil if it meant she was ok and safe, because to me nothing is more important than her and that is why love can be so painful.  We can easily forgo ourselves for others and sometimes when we do we leave ourselves open and vulnerable... there are people out there that pray on that vulnerability like a few ex-girlfriends of mine and one of her ex-boyfriends.