Monday, November 16, 2009

living a rollercoaster

I was awakened at 5am by my alarm and felt tired but I was happy as it was a nice cool morning and it wasn't expected to get too hot today.  I had a shower and got ready for work and was feeling a bit of disdain from my brother who seemed to be a little angry for some reason, probably because like me he was up earlier than usual. 

I drove to work and to be honest as I was driving I didn't feel the slightest bit tired, I started work and that was the first flash to the hours before. Hours when I was trying to sleep and battling a myriad of mental and physical issues each impacting me in a variety of ways.  I am stressed mentally and physically from the long hours and the heat we have recently been battling.  Add to these external factors and it leaves a hot bed of emotions that can rapidly climb to a joyous peak or slump to a deep dark pit of despair. 

I was able to focus on aspects of work while there to keep me feeling ok but I always found my thoughts moving to other things that had troubled me from the previous night, now as I am home alone without a single friend talking to me when I need one now to talk to as my brother isn't the kind of person to want to help people with issues.. his whole philosophy is 'if it don't involve me I don't wanna hear it'.  Typical of his self centred nature, and common with many members of my family unfortunately they continue to just sit blindly there and not even care.

The lack of compassion or caring was one of the catalysts behind me joining the military, I so wanted to get away from them as all they did was drain the life from me.  In the military I was able to make friends and a lot were helpful and a lot were similar to my parents with the ME ME ME attitude and I never liked that. I found happiness but that dream became the biggest nightmare I have known to date.

I have endured so many things and when I am down they all seem to attack me and try to keep me down, the one thing that defeats that and puts the smile back on my face is missing and it is worrying me because they normally are there to help me but now all of a sudden they don't seem to be there so I am battling my demons in my personal hell as best I can at this time... I am losing

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