Lately...

I have to admit I've had so much going on that it has been muddling up my thoughts and stuff so of course there are times when a series of things has combined to create something interesting - like some of my recent dreams.  I know that some of the aspects of the dream were something that I haven't fully elaborated on but that is because I'm a little ashamed to fully express them in such a public medium.  I have been able to talk about them with friends, namely those in them but that's about it really because I feel they don't really belong to anyone else but me and those shown in the dreams.

Same as sometimes the full nature of those dreams is only something I know fully, if I can remember it all that is as some dreams do have areas that I can't really remember even though I have an idea why that is and I'm sure if the people in the dream asked me what it was then I may be able to tell them otherwise I try not to think about them as they are a subconscious projection of things that I have either been talking or thinking about and usually what is in them won't eventuate but naturally many of the things are things I wish would happen.

Same as lately there had been things that happened in the past year or so that I needed to get out and off my chest and to be honest they were a bit hard to talk about because some of the memories associated with it all are painful but to really go forward I had to venture back a little and because I have done that I am far more relaxed and at ease with where things currently stand because I know I haven't let anyone down and I'm sure that those who matter know exactly what they mean to me.  As the saying goes "Sometimes those that mind don't matter while those that don't mind sometimes matter"

Of all the people that are (or have been) a part of my life only a few truly matter and what I feel about them will never change, they may grow, change and sometimes they might even fall from my life but their memories and the things they gave me will alway remain.  Two people who are gone now and never forgotten are my grandparents (my dad's folks) they have both had an influence and effect on my life and the things I learnt from them will always be something I will cherish.

My grandmother said to me once, respect and trust can be very hard to gain but they are so easily lost.  I was young then and to be honest I didn't understand but now more than ever I can understand them. Only because my trust and respect was once beaten up and spat out by someone who was my whole world. If I give you my respect and trust then there must be a very strong reason for this because to be honest it doesn't get given out that easily, it is more precious than gold and almost as precious as my heart.  I used to fall in love easily as a teen and now I give out my heart even less often than I do my trust and respect.

I know it sounds rather melodramatic but the truth is trust can be more fragile than centuries old paper and like the old books they are made into when the paper is gone their is nothing left.  I finally am fully content and back to being the person I once was many many years ago before my world went dark and forboding on me, finally the light has returned and I feel like a new person, more alive and relaxed than ever before.