Tuesday, December 29, 2009

This last year... (A Retrospective look)

Looking back this time last year I was a complete mess and things I had planned and desired had fallen down around my ears leaving me feeling lost, empty and somewhat alone.  Sure I had my family but that was all I really seemed to have as my friends seemingly deserted me like rats running from a sinking ship.

So for me 2009 started not so good and I guess it seemed to just plod quietly along for a couple months not really going here or there, then in April something happened that changed my world forever.  An accident at work took a small portion of my right index finger and that small accident has had ramifications throughout my life since.  The accident resulted in a partial amputation and the resultant surgery took about 3 months to get fully over.  The finger itself I feel hasn't yet quite fully recovered because even today it sometimes aches severely.

Anyway enough of the negatives as like all good things there is a balance of good and bad - Yin and Yang you could say.  That one good spark throughout all this time has been the lovely support and help of a truly amazing friend. When I have felt the lowest and darkest I could feel it was their smile and compassion that brought me back from the brink each time.  They have helped me when nobody else seemed to care and they have been there to listen to me tell of my many bad experiences in life.

I honestly hope that I have been there and helped them through their rough times, as I too know they have had them - sometimes though they have held back and I know they've done this for fear of upsetting me. To be totally honest what upsets me is the fact my friend still hasn't got sufficient faith in me.  Having spent time in the military I have learnt a few things about character & for this friend if it came down to it I would give my life to save theirs.

The best thing in my life this past year, or more accurately this last 3 years has been just one person and I am sure by this they will know exactly who they are.

The Phoenix Rises From The Ashes.... part 2...

The new energy I have is a bit hard to explain, but I guess to me it is like when you're in a dark room or something and you turn the light on ... that single light is the energy and it removes any of the darkness that surrounds me.

I've a new positive energy and a new positive vibe and to be honest I think one of that catalysts behind this has been one person, a good friend and she is always amazing to me.  The one thing that has been constant for me is the fact this person has been such a big part of my life over the past 3 years now and each time something bad has happened the one person who managed to make everything seem ok or even less horrible was her.

I guess she has come a long way in 3 years too, a lot further than I think she could've imagined when we first met and I know I am a much better person for having known her too.  To be honest I think she is the reason behind this new found drive, faith and vigor.  I also hope that her life is better because I am there for her when she needs me.

Monday, December 28, 2009

The Phoenix Rises From The Ashes....

Have you ever gone through a really bad run and thought it couldn't get worse only to suddenly have something bad happen to make you think well gee I guess it could.  I've been there a few times before but this isn't about that bad things in life, instead it is about rebirth and starting anew.  The last few days have been somewhat strange to say the least, I've done a little drawing, a little soul searching and a lot of contemplation.

Having my internal clock out of whack has meant I've been awake late at night with few people around but my own thoughts and this has normally been such a bad thing for me because I usually find bad memories which corrupt my good thoughts.  The funny thing is the other day I wasn't feeling the best and to be honest all the food I ate that day I could hold in my hand, I did however drink a rather large volume of liquid.  This included milk, carbonated beverages, juices and water.  After that rather ill stint I felt somewhat drained and listless for a day and needed to really rest as well. 

Having been so lacking in motivation and energy one could easily pass me off as dead... but now I am full of energy and life once more hence the symbolism of the Phoenix, it dies in the fire only to be reborn from the ashes of what remains.  Today for example I got myself up a bit late had some breakfast did some cleaning watched some TV, did some more cleaning,  played a game on my computer and did even more cleaning and then decided to go online to see who was about in the world to talk to.

Unfortunately there wasn't really anybody about to talk to and it was pretty bland and boring so I decided to check up a few sites, look at my profiles here and there and then write a blog - naturally the energy I have is still flowing pretty good and my brain happens to be moving faster than my fingers can type so I am backspacing and retyping a lot.  I haven't had this kind of mental drive for a long time, so long in fact that I fail to remember when it was.  The good thing about it is the fact that right now I am so calm and relaxed and every tiny bit of energy that is flowing is all good.

I watched a few movies last night, Transformers 2 and Edward Scissorhands, I know they are worlds apart but they share something in common, many people probably are currently scratching their heads thinking I am mad but they both have a positive message about belief. Faith is something that many people pass of as something for religion but I have to agree with a close relative of mine who says that faith is more about self belief than that of a higher being for if there was a God, why does the Bible fail to mention the existence of dinosaurs?

We all have heard of the Arabian Nights, a series of stories from ancient times, stories about Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves or the most famous one of Aladdin.  It is becoming more and more apparent that the Bible is just the same as the Arabian Nights, a series of stories from around the Ancient World.  This can be even supported by several facts now known to modern man. One is the bible is only set in the Ancient worlds of Rome, Egypt, Syria and the Middle East an area we like to refer to as the cradle of civilisation. 

It fails to mention such lands as the Americas, Asia, Australia, Antarctica and a large portion of Europe, it does focus primarily on the Mediterranean Sea and that seems to be it as well.

Ok - I realise I went on a bit of a rant there - had so much energy both mental and physical floating around that it was a little hard to control.  But now after a bit of a chill out I think I have myself back in check once more and ready to blog.

Broken Promises...

Each year we make a New Years Resolution, in essence a promise to ourselves and many of us break that promise because we don't have the dedication or will power to sustain that promise and when we fail in our quest we effectively break that promise we made to ourselves.  The promise may last for a few days, weeks or months but in all we break it mainly because we don't keep reminding ourselves of it.

A friend has come up with a wonderful and novel idea... put your resolution online and then you can remind yourself of it each time thereby enabling you to not lose your resolve or break your promise.  I will most likely look at putting my resolution online as well where I can remind myself each week or day that I need to remind myself of what it is I resolve to do.

I have promised myself to get myself physically back on track many times before and each time I have lost motivation and direction whereas this year will be different. I will have the internet and I am sure my friends will help keep me in check this time.  I really need to get my fitness back and that will have a snowball effect and help reduce any potential health risks I may be heading for. 

The thing is I have seen charts that have what is called a BMI, this is a useful tool however much of the time this tool is infact inaccurate.  I have seen professional athletes, with minimal body fat be classified as overweight, that is because the BMI doesn't take into consideration a few simple scientific factors.  The main one being that muscle is generally denser and therefore can in fact be heavier than fat.  To accurately tell if someone is overweight really some measure of the fat their body has is required.

Enough of that for now as I am losing track of where I was going... we always seem to break our promises be it to ourselves or others and I for one do not like breaking promises - those I make to my friends I don't make lightly others may flippantly say yeah I'll do that - with no intention of really following thru, then when chipped on it they usually remark back that they forgot.

If I put the words "I promise you" to anything then that is something I fully intend to follow up on, because if I break that I break my promise to a friend and that is something I hope I never do because friendship is very important to me, as are a lot of the other relationships we have in our lives.  My family and friends are very important to me and they do really mean the world to me.. some naturally are more vital and valuable than others.

Friday, December 25, 2009

.... oh so relaxed

I've had a relaxing day of just lazing about in bed then having a lovely lunch and just lazing about in bed some more.  I even got a couple hours sleep in too which was divine before I got a phone call to tell me that my mother was getting dinner ready and my presence was requested.

I had another meal and like normal we seem to get them dished out with a big excavator at Christmas as my mother always goes over board, I guess it wouldn't be Christmas if she didn't  The food that is left over could easily do for a few more days as long as it doesn't go off.  The meat was a bit much I mean how much does she think we eat?  Even now 2 and a half hours after eating my stomach is still rebelling saying please don't do that again.

I have slept more in the last 2 days than I can remember doing at anytime, mind you I am so very relaxed and that helps me sleep especially when everything seems to be right in my world for a change.  After all I have some of the most amazing friends and a pretty cool family but there are times that even they don't seem to be able to help me when I feel bad.  Lately I've been so relaxed because I've cleared my mind of all the bad things for once, even the things that normally keep me awake at night worrying are no longer a bother at this time.  There are a couple amazing people I really must thank and one of them will know who they are just by reading this, the other I will thank when I see them online next for she lives in the US and isn't always able to be contacted due to the time difference we have.

totally happy & content now

It's Christmas morning and I've been awake since before 5am and I've just been laying in my bed relaxing.  There was a small summer storm here and I was happily watching that while I was texting a very wonderful friend. In the course of our conversation I said something that made me blush when I read it back to myself.

I do that when I sometimes send a text, I will read it just to make sure I didn't forget anything - sometimes I put things in that are better left unsaid.  Like when you are a little sleep at around 5am and you don't really think about what you are texting - you just blurt it out. Anyway I've had a shower and shave since then and am back relaxing in bed because it is so nice n cosy and I don't have to get out on Christmas Day if I don't wanna.

I will probably have a sleep later and I have been just so lazy today - which I am really enjoying because I don't get to be this lazy much.  I have no real plans for the day and I haven't got anyone here to change them or anything so I guess I can just be me. I do wish I was someplace different but I'm happy with what I've got.

Thursday, December 24, 2009


It is Christmas Eve but already I have celebrated one Christmas so that my sister and her kids can also celebrate with the other half of her family.

I have to admit it was a rather draining day being up nice and early to finish wrapping the stack of presents.  Some were rather big and others really should've been assembled first but when time is short you do your best. The last presents were wrapped and only a few minor things needed finishing off when they arrived and panic set in because it was a case of - Oh My God is that there? is this there? and have we forgotten anyone? or anything? Once that initial panic was settled we then had to find room for the extra food in the refridgerators... that's right not 1 but 3 were in use... after all you do need a good supply of food and drink over this time of year - if you ask my mother we didn't have enough but I think we could eat for a week on what she has left over.

We even had to get an esky out for the soft drink as not all would fit in the refridgerator either.  That all done and settled we just had to wait for my brother to arrive with his side of everything... that included more food but thankfully none that needed to be stored in a refridgerator. When they arrived the usual panic set in and the kids that were already there were well into having fun looking at presents or just being kids.  When all was settled the matriarch (my mother) got everyone around for the opening of the presents. This then lead to a family tradition which I feel is so cute... the youngest person (that isn't a baby) in the family gives out the first present naturally this can be a bit scary especially if the present is breakable so selecting the right one is important.

After giving out the first 3 or 4 presents it got a bit too much for the little lady and she started passing presents to who didn't already have one and by passing I mean throwing from 1 metre (3 feet) away and hoping to hit the target.  Needless to say that she only handed out another 2 presents before fear of breaking a valuable one set in.  To handle this she was given one of her big presents to open... Dora the Explorer Tea Set... which would go oh so well in her little cubby house she has.

Naturally she was given another of her presents a Fisher Price Rocking Horse... oops somebody forgot to get that assembled.... so it was a mad rush to find screwdrivers and batteries as the little miss was already sitting on the horse and upset it wasn't moving.  She was even more upset when she was removed from it so we could finish putting it together for her, the that frown vanished first time she got on it.

After that came 'Christmas Lunch' or as I like to call it 'Mothers Going Overboard'... I think I could've fed a small country with what was on my plate, and did I get looked at when I couldn't eat it all.  I ended up putting a fair bit down my throat and some of the meat was dished off to the cat and dog.  Barely was that done and my mother was getting the desserts out.  I know why Santa is so big now, he says "Christmas" and gets fed by my mother.  I think they had enough desserts to feed another small country and I know they had all manner of sweet things in the freezer still.

I bet if I went there now, I would find a couple dozen cans of soft drink, a couple bottles of soft drink, salads and meats galore as well as sweets and snacks to feed me for a couple months.  I know they had 2 boxes of ice creams on a stick, 3 containers of ice cream and a heap of other stuff still here that was in storage 'just in case' - Just in case of World War 3 I think.

Monday, December 21, 2009

La la la... Randomness

I came on yesterday with a nice blog I wanted to write, I logged in and got to the New Post screen then suddenly went blank.... Writers get Writers Block so we Bloggers must have to get what I will refer to as Blogger Block.  I had this awesome killer blog too you think I can remember what it was going to be about ..no - even now I am like.... aww what was that Blog I wanted to write.  Anyways enough of that it's pretty much gone and I doubt I will get it back.

The one thing that really annoys me is those that manipulate and use others for their own gains, I mean praying on people is so low. Con-men are the highest level manipulators, but they are no alone for out there the world does have Con-women and they can be operating more than the men... how many guys do you know would admit a woman did them over?  Even these match-making sites prey on the gullibility of a lonely male - for they suck a guy in with all these shallow promises and on all accounts they slowly leech him dry.

I have had my credit card details stolen before and a guy joined one of those sights using my details but he was never caught and I was out of pocket $3000 coz the company ran my car up to its limit in 4 days.  I was in the Army and not even home or using my card when it occurred but that is life and now things have been changed to better protect us.

Speaking of protection many adults are highly protective of their children or nieces and nephews, I know I am and the thing that shocks me is when other families have issues and bad things happen as it shows the system that some parents are truly bad.  What is worse is when things get reported to the Authorities and they don't act and something bad ends up happening - like last year in Adelaide 3 kids died from malnutrition even after repeated warnings from the public to the Authorities.

I mean I know a lady whose house is full or cockroaches and other bugs, her backyard is full of weeds and dry grass which is a haven for snakes and her dogs are hungry and in need of better care.  There is a dead tree in the middle of the yard and already several smaller limbs have broken off but what happens a big one breaks off?  She has a 4 year old son who plays in that yard and a tree limb thicker than a mans arm falling several metres would be enough to kill him.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Is Love A Joke?

I mean what causes people to think it's ok & they can just mess with feelings & emotions while draggingin kids to take an adult spots.

I again got hurt by a lady who 'cared' obviously it wasn't me she was happy with but what I could give her, when she got it she ran like a wounded dog. I think that dog might be a bit too badly hurt and needs to be put down... They say revenge is sweet & is a dish best served up cold

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

What is LOVE...

Is it just knowing that you care about someone who also cares about you? I honestly think not, I think love is much more than that... it is understanding, tolerance, forgiveness and many more things that just seem to make things somewhat heavenly.

Love isn't just something you can truly express in words, sure they help but to be honest words never really can fully describe the euphoria one feels.  I mean everyone says how the melt when their special person looks at them or they talk to them but sometimes it isn't even that which gets people to melt it is just knowing that the person cares about you that warms your heart and causes a billion butterflies to rise and fall in your stomach.

I've heard stories of love at first sight and to be honest I do think it exists but as yet I'm to experience it, I have felt strong attractions to women before and was even willing to take that big step with one of them but alas she turned into a toad and hopped away with who she considered to be her prince at the time.  I'm sure everyone has gone through that too, feeling like you have found the one only to be proven wrong because that person was only interested in themselves and not really the symbiotic being you long for.

I've even been in a relationship where I can 'sense' that my other half is hurting or upset about something and I do my best to make them smile or happy. If I can be with them then I give them the simple things they so thoroughly deserve - hugs and kisses and let them feel loved because sometimes saying you love somebody isn't enough and they do say that actions can speak louder than words.  I honestly think that personal contact in a relationship is important as you share and emotional and sometimes psychic bond but these need the reinforcement of a physical bond. 

Just simply holding her hand can tell her that you are there for her, without even using those reassuring words.  As she sits with your arms wrapped around her she can feel safe and protected and will know that while you are there with her safety and well-being is always your first thought.  Letting her rest her head on your shoulder tells her simply that you're there to support her and watch over her even while she is sleeping in your arms.  Letting her lay her head on your chest shows her you will comfort her when she needs it and the reassuring beats of your heart tell her that she is loved, and also respected.

Giving simple gifts and trinkets without wanting anything in return can mean that you see no material value in what you give them for the true value comes from within your heart.  Forsaking your own health, welfare & safety is something many people are known to do because they've assessed the options and found the risk of losing the person they care for too great, some have even become suicidal when they have lost that one person that they felt was their one true love. 

To show this I will move to a recent literary masterpiece from the Twilight saga.  Edward thinking his beloved Bella is dead decides that he cannot live his own immortal life without her because the pain he would feel is far greater than that of death itself.  He first asks to be killed then once that has been denied decides to try and force his nobles hand and make them kill him.  Luckily this doesn't happen and I shall leave the details out for those who haven't read the book or seen the recent movie "New Moon".

Remember this simple phrase.... LOVE IS...

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

what we sometimes go through.... (edited)

You hear this person saying that they would take a bullet for a friend, while another says they would rather the friend get hit.  This simple thing is something that can tell us who we value and who we don't really place much value on.  Generally we will take a bullet for family members but not everyone of them - this is because even though they are important they are seemingly not worth the risk.

Those outside our families that we trust and consider to be almost like family are generally placed ahead of some family members which will always upset the family members,  but really it isn't a decision they can make.  I have a couple friends like that and to be honest after spending a considerable time in the Military I can easily tell who I would risk my own life to save some of them.

Different situations also call for different measures and approaches, sometimes being soft and subtle is far more effective that coming in blasting with both barrels so to speak.  I like to always go out of my way to try and help those I value as friends and more than that because I personally know the value of good friends who care about you and help you through your tough times.  I have had my tough times before and you could easily say that I have been to hell and back a few times, with some times being harder and more demanding than others.

Lately I've been talking to one very particualr special friend and she had issues with her man. These issues were not her fault, however they did upset her and made her feel like she'd done something wrong. Even worse was the fact that she began to feel that her man no longer cared about her. He failed to really listen to her and appreciate her feelings on many things and when she approached him on some of these he just brushed her off.  He had her upset and to be honest I didn't like what he was doing to her.

I know she deserves better treatment than that and if I was that kind of person I would want to steal her away from him.  I'm not the type to knowingly do that and have never really done that before. If I did steal someone's lady I wasn't aware I was doing it becaue I have been hurt when a girl left me for someone else and I don't think I could take a lady from a safe stable relationship.  The key here is SAFE and STABLE, if there is violence toward a friend then it isn't really safe is it.

I spoke with my friend a couple of weeks after this and she had broken up with her man because she was tired of his seemingly bland approach to her and she needed more attention to keep her feeling she was wanted.  I felt conflicted by this because I felt I was partly responsible for her making the decision. I was sad that her relationship had ended but I was glad too because she was visibly happier now too.

She late talked about an old flame, the guy I don't reallt like because he was abusive however she says he has changed & I know she never stopped caring about him as he was really her first true love.  I do hope he is a better person, I am still somewhat concerned as there are a few things that do bother me & the main thing is the fact he was a very controlling & jealous person.  I will continue to worry about her knowing the past history they share, but I trust her judgement above all else & if she is happy then I am ok with it.

Personally I have been in some strong relationships that have fallen apart badly, the worst of these was my engagement to a lady whom I thought was the one lady for me.  I was wrong as she found herself a new man & even got herself pregnant to him whilst still engaged to me.  I was unaware of this & away with work on a semi-regular basis (you get that with military service).  On one of my times away she packed up & left leaving no note or explanation as to why.

Before I left for this trip however I had found out she was pregnant & asked her why she didn't tell me, her response was that she wanted to be sure first.  I had known something was up medically for a couple weeks but had no idea what it was.  Naturally she told me the child was mine & she was still waiting to verify dates etc. - reluctantly I went on my trip and with a week to go as I usually did I made sure she knew when I would be home, I phoned & got no answer.

To cut it short, I arrived home to find her stuff gone as well as some of 'our' stuff as well, but what really added to the pain was the fact she took a few of my most prized possessions which to this day I haven't been able to replace.  I've looked for a decade now & each time I think I'm close I find it isn't what I'm really after.  Recently I decided it was best to let them go as I found each time I got close I would think more of her too & that wasn't good.  Now I have some new ones with new memories to fill that hole.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Silly Season

Christmas definately is the silly season, work proves that every year when they try and push 3 weeks of work out in 1 week. The processes they have in place can barely cope week to week and the sudden volume increase is always problematic.  This usually ends up in staff working massive hours just so the customers stay happy.

Of course you have all the silly sales on at this time of year, and to be honest a large volume of these are just marketing gimmicks - you don't win with sale items as they still make a sizeable profit as it has been proven that some items have up to a 300% mark up so when you save 10% they still make a killing.  When you buy someone that special present you also spend weeks hiding it or having it pre-wrapped just so they don't know what it is.  The example of that was today whilst at a friends house he opened the cars boot (or trunk) to put in the shopping we had just purchased and he had to quickly put it down when he noticed his son's present there on top of everything as his son was just around the side of the car.

If that isn't enough there are all the christmas parties, not just work ones either, sports clubs and  social groups have them as well so you can actually spend the whole time going from party to party.  This is very tiring and of course there is Christmas Day... the family are around and you have to find places for everyone to sit and so forth a truly crazy time if you ask me.  Here in Australia we have another tradition in many families - backyard cricket... usually the kids are the ones playing but fathers and uncles sometimes join in for fun when they've had a few too many drinks.

Alas Boxing Day isn't always a rest day in Australia... it was designed to give workers who worked Christmas Day a day of rest for themselves.  Again in Australia we have tradition and many call that the Boxing Day Test Cricket, many families will sit around the TV watching the first day of the 5 day event and naturally lunch will consist of whatever was left over from the previous days festivities.

Friday, December 11, 2009

so very over all this

I've had enough of everything here & seriously need to get away not just to relax but to save myself & what remains of my sanity. 

Work is total bedlam with management wanting 3 full weeks of work out in just 1 before we take our christmas break.  My area which I work in has been operating at 66% of it's required staf capacity to ensure an effective work flow for 9 months, so far we have been screaming for full staffing for all that time. Management gave us some staff part time, and said that will do - oh it helps but there are 3 weeks of work to be done and we still have to prepare our own works which means we double that to 6 weeks.  The biggest most comprehensive job we've ever have undertaken for the product we make is currently underway and the time frame was tight normally - however the continued mismanagement has pushed that date further and further back.

That's just one of the things that has me working my butt off, of course I've been working long hours generally starting at 0630 and finishing at 1630 most of the time, have had some 0600 starts and 1730 finishes though which makes it frustrating as well.when you have meetings and other things you normally attend after work. Even they clash at times & that also makes life troublesome so I try to work out which is more important or has me in a more vital role.  It's not easy doing all these things I guess I would liken it to juggling a couple chainsaws.

I guess that can do for now as I really need to think about nice things to relax

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Personal pain & suffering...

Many people don't know or understand what kinds of painful things we go thru on a daily basis and even less people have our trust enough to allow us a freedom & security to discuss what pains we feel.  Personally I feel pain every day some days the pain is something I have without choice but more often than not I find I create my own pain.  I have become more & more accustomed to it & sometimes need to go a little more extreme to feel a worth while pain.

It just so happens that I do have a pain that is beyond my control, and to be honest it hurts far more than any physical pain I have ever known, and I have had a lot of those believe me. Last night I was very much concerned about a lady that is more important to me than I think she is fully aware of, anyway I live so far from her that I can't be there to look after her so I enlisted the help of a mutual friend who I trust very much. 

Unfortunately in doing so I had to tell her a little about why I wanted her to look after my extremely important lady friend.  In doing so I broke her trust, I've only ever been that worried about her once before & that was a time when she was very seriously hurt and wanted me there more than anybody else.  I couldn't be there & even now that memory cuts like a knife without leaving any visible reminders.

Right now I have a headache, toothache, sore neck, left shoulder, right ribs, lower back, left groin, right hamstring, left achilles & ankle, right foot, left bicep, right elbow, right wrist & right index finger.  All of that pain seemingly blends into itself, so I guess it feels a lot like my whole body aches on different levels.  That pain is nothing compared to the one I feel when I've upset the lady I love or I know she is in pain herself.  To put how bad that pain is in prespective let me paint you a picture in your mind. 

Imagine if you will partly amputating a finger and having the raw nerves exceptionally close to the main pressure points, which also have the sharp edge of cut bone to compete with. A light bump on that finger can be worse than when you hit your funny bone on something, it doesn't get the dead arm sensation but it easily gets the pain.

In the last week alone it was hit 6 times by steel,  some was heavy and fell from a good height and lets just say that for the next minute afterwards not many nice words came out of my mouth.  To be honest I wouldn't be surprised if the small amount of bone has a myriad of fractures. Without trying it kind of feels like when you accidentally close a draw on it, not when you slam it but when you push it in firmly coz it's full.  My pain doesn't bother me it's something I can bear, I can't bear to see the most important lady in my ife hurt or in pain as that literally tears me apart, and I did that last night, I hurt her.  For my penance I hurt myself by simply hurting my finger which I continue to do now on an irregular basis to remind myself that I should never hurt her, I should only hurt me.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Feeling like I shouldn't be here...

I sit silently on my bed reading your words, the images you create with them are troubling & hurt me the pain it causes I don't like because I don't control it.  I seriously am tempted to pack my bags up and take a drive to be there with you so that I can show you that you have more control than you realise.  Plus you have done far more right than you give yourself credit for, some of those things are not easy and I don't think you would class them as right but in my eyes they are.

I talk to you and for some reason I can sense you feel better, I know that when I'm talking to you no matter how horrible I feel or how bad my day was I feel better knowing you're there.  I tend to miss you daily and sometimes wish that I would log onto my computer to be greeted by a small surprise from you, be it a note or a simple message to say that you're well and have been busy or something.

I worry about you very much too because I care about you probably more than you realise and your pain hurts me, more than my own personal pain does because unlike my pain I have no control over yours. I have sleepless nights & troubled days when I know you're hurting, the last few days have been like a bit of a nightmare for me.

My own personal hell is something I wrestle with each day, the pain it causes from a variety of memories is something I can handle albeit sometimes I feel I'd be better off dead.  If I throw in knowing you're hurt in any way then I find myself losing my own pain & wanting to take care of you annd remove all of your pain in a heart beat.  I still love you so very much and your happiness is something I want to ensure because you're a wonderful person and I should be there with you now to be your protector and confidant as well as your friend.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

It's a crazy mixed up world...

Lately I've been working my butt off and not just at work.. I am part of a Community Newsletter Editorial team, as well as president of the local Cricket Club as well as being a member of the District Community Planning Group oh and not to mention I am the Communications Officer for the local Fire Brigade too.

So you could say I have my hands pretty full, the problem is lately a few people have been taking things for granted and leaving all the work to only a handful of people ... or in my case just me. That is annoying enough but then you get people whining about this not being done or that not being done and I then turn around and say well I am one person and I do have a lot to do but of course nothing was stopping you from pitching in and giving a hand now was it...

Like today I had to get some belts organised to repair some machinery I use and I told the guy the right belts, he got me 2 belts like he was asked... 1 was the right size and the other looked the right size but wasn't it was actually slightly different - and then I looked at the code on the belt and low and behold they didn't match so that explained a lot.  It took about an hour to remove the old belts and put the new ones in place as it is a fiddly job and the only person who seems to do the job it me which is pretty normal lately coz I seem to be the one doing EVERYTHING and that's no fun at all...