Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Inside my thoughts.... (just a little insight, say 10%)

A very good friend wrote a blog about this subject and it was something I thought was relevant.

Like many of us my brain is over active, probably because the work I do is rather mundane which means I have to find things to occupy my mind.  This can sometimes be a very bad thing especially when I've been working hard, am tired and feeling as if the world is closing in around me or ignoring me. In these instances I start to feel more alone and subsequently I become disheartened and rather down. I guess the main reason this happens is because I have had a wide variety of events that I would call pivotal and life changing.

A lot of these events aren't nice and as a result I tend to sometimes close myself off to the world because I become scared or worried about a variety of things.  I always feel that I have let people down because of a variety of events within my past. Many of these are things I have locked away and I honestly only share them when I feel comfortable and can fully trust someone. Even today I still have secrets that nobody else knows, and there are others that only one other person is aware of.

As a younger person I had a wide variety of dreams and as I grew some of those changed because of one event or another.  Sometimes disappointment or disenchantment caused me to alter my dreams and sometimes these were not always within my own control and that also made it hard to deal with as I grew.  Couple into this the wants and desires of parents who wanted to avenge the failures they made in life through the one vessel they felt capable of achieving that goal, me.  These pressures were something a child should never be burdened with and my parents' continually showed displeasure when I was unable to achieve the goals they has so loftily set for me.

Both parents were athletes and my father was even a Junior Olympian yet he felt he hadn't reached his full potential and had decided that I would be able to achieve what he didn't full Olympic Glory.  I knew within myself I wasn't capable but I went along for the ride because if I didn't my life would've been far more miserable.  I trained extensively and could easily have been classed as someone with an eating disorder because I was pretty much skin, muscle and bone.  I had less body fat than a marathon runner, probably because I was always on the go.

Today I am still pretty much non-stop, I just have more than one thing to drive me along, my mind still finds that it needs to search for stimulation and if it doesn't it tends to seek out memories and once it has it tends to focus on what if's then and this can be sometimes fun and it can also be sometimes bad.  The most recent what if's involve the friend who writes blogs and I will admit we have had some history together, just not as much as either of us had hoped I think.

There are things that I have been wanting to say to her and talk to her about and sometimes I can sort of brush on them here in vague detail, but I am scared to go too far because I don't know who reads them.  I have been contemplating sending her an e-mail but I don't know if she reads them because she doesn't send responses to the letters or reply to some of the questions within them.  I care about her very much & I know she cares for me but I don't know how much because like me she too can be very guarded and closed off in ways.

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