Wednesday, November 18, 2009

OK... here goes..

I was once engaged over 10 years ago while I was in the military and away quite a bit with work, naturally she felt I was away too much and in the end became distant.  While we were together I was happy and I missed her like mad when I was away too, we talked almost daily then she stopped talking to me and in the end it all went horribly bad.

During our engagement she became pregnant and I was given the impression the child was mine, so you can imagine my surprise when I get home to a half empty house and no note.  A week went by, to be honest it could've been a couple days coz at that time I had no idea of time or space, I was a total mess and I didn't want to even go to work etc. Anyway I got a phone call from her, she used a pay phone and gave me just one message.. "you're not the dad" then hung up.

I went thru 3 months of 3 times a week visits to a Psychiatrist, and after 3 months it went back to 2 times a week and after that a visit a week for 2 months then according to them I was ok.  To be honest I wasn't I kinda did a little bluffing and got out of the treatment a bit ahead of schedule.  I was sick of the visits and all of it really and had decided I was ok and got cleared - I probably had another 6 or 7 visits left to go to really be ok. 

Havimg skipped those I was still pretty vulnerable and hadn't really trusted women enough to enter a relationship with anybody new until I was 'better'.  I came across this guy giving a lady a hard time at a Brisbane pub and it wasn't on, I was taught you respect ladies, not abuse them.  I helped her out and he got kicked out. Long story short was we met a few times after and ended up dating and it was just after we started that I found out she was an exotic dancer.  Others would refer to her as a stripper, well that is because she did take her clothes off and so forth and let me tell you it was an interesting relationship as I still  had trust issues.

Thing is with her job she was always open and honest with me and we talked about so many things together which actually helped me a lot too - I would like to thank her but I lost contact with her when I was forced to move with the Army.  We talked about the long distance thing and even gave it a go for a bit but with our schedules and the cost of travel and everything at the time it wasn't viable for either of us so we mutually decided to end the relationship.  Since this relationship I have had a few others but none have really seemingly done me any good or had an impact on me until about 18 months ago.  I was involved with an amazing lady and for some reason she could bend me at her will.

I had built up and developed walls over a variety of relationships and had even built in my own personal safe guards so as to avoid being hurt like I was when I was engaged.  I had been talking and communicating with her for some time and got to know her as an amazing, fun caring person and for some reason I totally trusted her and this is not something I take on lightly after all tht things I've been thru.  I felt unnaturally comfortable talking to her and I have since become very close to her so much so that she knows more of my secrets than anyone (with the exception of me that is)

I fell in love with her, still care very much about her and to be honest have a feeling she still has strong feelings for me but something is keeping her away... maybe it's the 2000 or so Kilometres between us that is the hardest thing to deal with.

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