Saturday, October 31, 2009

what a day I've had...

Well my day started at 6am, when I went over to the cricket oval to see how bad the storm last night had wet the pitch.  I checked the pitch and it was pretty damp so I contacted our wet weather contact and advised him that it looked doubtful for juniors and would most likely be a late start for senior cricket.

His response was I'll be out at 8am but we can't really make a decision until each coach confers as it is the second week of a 2 day game. Naturally I had a feeling it would be called off but the decision wasn't mine to make really.  Of course I get abused by some jackass whose kid played for the away team, coz he traveled 90 minutes to the match, when he could've easily used the lesser roads and done it in 45 minutes with his big flash 4WD.

But because it was a second week technically the decision was a joint one and not just mine, I told him this but he was still unhappy.  What an arrogant man he was, he has his kid chasing glory at a top junior club when we could easily have supported a struggling club closer to home.  Anyway I told him if he had an issue with it he should take it up with his club and the Association, in a way I hope he does as I will have a very nicely worded rebuttal for his complaint.

That was over and done then I had to front up to my match, so far this year our 2nd XI hasn't been at full strength but we have improved markedly with the addition of a couple more senior players, last week it was a case of 3 adult and only I had sufficient cricket knowledge to umpire, this week however we had 5 adults with 4 of them having sufficient cricket knowledge to umpire.  Last week our team of 11 had 8 juniors - with 5 being Under 14. 

This week we had 6 juniors with 3 being Under 14 and we performed much better, naturally last week was bad because we only made 50 runs, this week however we ended up making 183 but that wasn't enough as our opposition with only 1 Under 16 player made a massive 305. We are getting better but we need a few more senior boys to take a bit more of the pressure of the young fellows.

Right now I am a bit sunburned, rather stiff and sore and very tired to say the least... I hope I have a good night sleep.

Friday, October 30, 2009


Today it was a stinking hot day but I'm glad it was because now it's better than cool... it's awesome.  Why you might ask, that's easy one word... STORM.  The wind is gentle and the rain is somewhat intermittent but that is ok as I've been busy watching the sky for long white streaks of light that periodically show themselves.  The evidence that they are about can be heard in the large loud rumblings that follow their brilliant light display, mind you I've been lucky enough to witness some amazing storm activity close up.

I've seen lightning strike a tower that had a base just 150 metres from me, that's nothing compared to my dad who actually witnessed his brother get struck and survive.  All that remained was a small scar that my dad said resembled a z but to be honest it looked more like an N.  As it turns out that evening I witnessed the tower getting hit a mates place had a hole punched in the roof & my parent's house had the air conditioner hit (that was all from the same storm last year).

3 years ago we had another of our massive storms, it took out power for 2 days in the middle of summer, all I can say is thank god for the lake as the water was divine. I was at the local pub the night of that storm and we all ended up drinking by gas lantern n candle light.  Just like they did before we had electricity to power our lights and so forth.  As it turns out we lose power during most of our storms, usually it's for a second or two when the lines are struck by lightning someplace pretty close by.

It had gone out here today as we had touch lamps on when we got home & the clocks on the microwave etc were flashing too. It's still pretty warm and thankfully I have been able to shower n change out of my hot work clothes (long sleeve shirt and jeans) into cool relaxing shorts n t-shirt.... feel much better now too.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Right on the money

I recently read this love horoscope for me which is for today and it's right on the money I feel because I've been looking to reconnect with someone that I miss very much.

The people that mean the most to you in your life, such as your family or children, are going to be your focus today, Libra. Anything or anyone that you hold near and dear is going to be emphasized today, and you may simply need to reach out for support today. If you have been feeling a little confused or lost regarding your romantic situation, today would be a good day to simply regroup with someone who loves you and get your feet back on the ground. You can be admired and appreciated for all that love has to offer you, but today you may simply need a break from thinking about it. This is not a melancholy period, but rather one where you can use the energy and love from others to regroup you back on your romantic track.

I know it can be tough, I have to deal with them being so far away and so very much out of reach.  It's never easy dealing with the fact that someone you care about is unable to see you smile, hear you laugh or experience the warmth of a simple hug when it's something they need from you so badly.

I can't believe myself...

I have been to hell and back many times in many ways throughout my life and right now I would gladly travel to hell and back again... why would I do that you might ask - simple when it comes down to a person, she is the one person I would gladly go thru every single pain in my life again for because when she is around those pains don't exist.

Talking to her all I feel is happiness and good emotions, even thinking about her makes me happy and I have to admit I really feel better when I know she is around. When I cannot talk to her n she is out of contact I start to slide down into a deep dark hole, thankfully all it takes is a simple hello and  a smile from her and every bad thing vanishes like the raindrops on a hot summer day.

To be honest I never thought I could feel this way about someone after previous events in my life put a myriad of doubts into my mind, but having known this particular lady for several years now and being able to trust her as much as I do has really surprised me - I guess it is just something about her that makes me go all soft and gooey so to speak and I have no power to say no to her if she says things the right way.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

life... and how crazy things can get

I just wanted to talk a little about a few things from my past, for one I know a few people and I am talking about guys here who would try and have sex with more than one person in a night.  I know some people would say that is pretty cool but I think it's pretty gross and it's something that isn't for me as I don't even like one night stands as they are shallow and empty.  That's my opinion and my personal feeling and I think those that regularly partake in those activities are generally of low moral character, call it prudish but you have to be a bit more careful with your sexual activities I feel.

I have dated exotic dancers, ok you can call them strippers if you like, and they have to deal with a lot of low life perverted individuals in the work they do, sure they get well paid but I tell you a lot of the girls can tell which guys are creeps within 2 minutes of spending time with them.  I have to admit that I have had a lot of lap dances and from a variety of girls because they were comfortable with me as I was always respectful and since I helped my lady friend with her routines they always asked me for assistance or advice.  My lady and I were happy and she asked me why I never got jealous, I told her that because she was just doing a job, and she always came home to me after....   :)

Having been engaged and betrayed was difficult to deal with and to be honest looking back at the whole relationsip with the dancer I feel I was testing myself, trying to push my boundaries and also testing my faith in women once more.  I was in the military at this time and fate seperated us, she continued her work and studies while I moved interstate.  The move was something we both knew was coming and it was mutually agreed that a long distance relationship for us would in fact be worse because of her work and my past history which she was now fully aware of.

Friends can be intriguing people, I look back at my time as a schoolboy and realise that many of those friends have gone and changed.  I also look at my current batch of friends and find only a few I trust completely and they are mainly women... considering my past history and trust issues with women for over a year I find that a total irony in itself.  Of all the people in my life, apart from myself their is one person who knows more of my life's story, history, happiness, joy, pain and suffering... I hope she reads this and understands just how important she has been to me over the past 3 and a half years... that's right it's been that long - I was looking back at things and events and finally worked out how far back we went.

Monday, October 26, 2009


I was working away doing my usual stuff, since it is pretty mindless and boring I found myself thinking about a few other things to keep myself amused and switched on so to speak.  I was thinking a lot about our lives and the choices we make or are helped make throughout them, after all sometimes we do not totally decide things on our own.  I looked back at my childhood and a lot of the events there, many of which panned out with me not having an input into the end result of many decisions.. sometimes it would be nice to have had an input and I know that several things wouldn't have happened the way they did if I had a say in those matters.

Naturally as we grow and get older we also appreciate and understand things better, and the more we look back from our new vantage point the more we see can certainly say... I know if I had my time again I would do that differently.  Even as we get older there are things decided without our input, as teenagers we are sometimes subjected to the stronger will of the group and peer pressure can be an evil monster which has a tendancy of running out of control.. I for one know all about that too.

Sometimes even when we think we have made a decision on our own it can be a falsehood with others already making the decision on your behalf.  Again this is something I am all too familiar with considering my parents happened to be rather controlling and manipulative, in fact they still continue to be so in many ways but I am free of that grasp while others aren't so lucky yet.  I broke out and travelled away with work but even then I was still trapped by my parents.  Their fiscal ineptitude saw me enslaved and to be honest in some ways I still am but I also have some freedom too.

I wish I had the financial freedom I so crave as with that I would venture toward the sunset and adventure.  I was looking retrospectively at a series of events that reshaped my life last year.  I have to admit it was an extremely difficult time for me & I also know that it was hard on others too.  I think for now I need to get my story out there as I know that many things are sometimes said and done.. some times we are happy we did things a certain way & other times we regret our actions.

Last year the most pivotal thing that occurred didn't happen to me directly.. it happened to a lady who is so very dear to my heart and when it happened I was initially gobsmacked and in shock.  After a short sharp slap to the face I was able to snap out of this shock and that was when the first flood gate opened & I was overwhelmed by a sea of emotions as the gravity of it all had sunken in.  Instantly I spoke to a friend and they could easily see by my words and language that I was seriously distressed and when I told them that I had my gear packed and ready to drive there they proceeded to talk me out of it.

It took her a good hour of solid negotiations to talk me down and get me to rest & relax, she also got me to step back a bit so that I didn't smother my lady friend and make her worse.  I listened to her & if I had listened to my heart I would have slept as I had come to realise I needed and then taken the drive.  In retrospect I was speaking with the particular lady friend and the only person she wanted there was in fact me.  If she had said that on the fateful night then I'm sure that nothing would've stopped me from taking that journey for at that particular time she was far more important to me than even my own personal safety.

Her friend was totally aware of this & I think they were also worried about my reaction on seeing her because of the circumstances behind her pain etc and what I may do to those that caused her pain.  I'm a non violent person but 6 years of military training means one can be extremely nasty when correctly provoked and her friend knew that I was in such an unstable state because of everything that I'd probably do something silly if I had gone there and this was another reason she wanted me to step back from it all.  She feared I was in an unstable enough position with how I felt about the lady friend that I would do something mortal and she could've been right too I honestly don't know what would've transpired if I went there.

I do know one thing, I would've hugged n kissed my hurt lady friend and I would've been caring & helped her as much as I could... I know that my being there would've been enough to prove a few things to her as well.  I regret not going to her back then and not a single day goes by that I don't wish I had gone there & been there for her.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

feeling unappreciated...

I was sick for 3 days earlier this week and was in bed for the majority of those 3 days, so much so that I had no energy for 2 days.  Come Friday afternoon I find myself slaving away for a couple hours ensuring the pitch was ready for the junior cricket match the following morning. I finished at a respectable 9:15pm and was there bright and early at 6:30am to finish rolling it and mark it for cricket so they could play and enjoy their day.

I got that all done and had to do a lot of other team organising things as well as get myself ready, I got home and within 5 minutes of walking in the door I was asked where I was via text message. I said that I had a lot more work to do and would be over when I was done, a lot of people take for granted the fact that the gear is there and the drinks and all the things are there for them and they just have to rock up and play.

Without somebody like me there to ensure all those things are there and organised they wouldn't even be playing cricket. I'm very close to jumping up and saying right - you blokes seem to be able to do so well without me - you're on your own for a couple weeks I'm taking time off


I have to admit that I sometimes feel that I have like this extra sense that tells me when someone close or very special to me is having troubles.  I thought the thing had gone but about a year ago it came back & hit me hard.  I likened the first one to like being punched in the shoulder as hard as someone can, since then they've more been like a muscle twinge in subtlty but I guess coz they are more frequent now I'm more used to them.

Last year too the event that spiked the return was pretty major & I did sort of use the 'sense' to let a friend know someone wasn't right and the worst thing was they were in a pretty bad state which instantly knocked me down hard.  Since then I've paid more attention but also had to learn to ignore it as I've asked a friend who said they were fine, maybe they weren't but said they were so I wouldn't stress.

This blog is because I ignored the feeling last night when I should've listened to it, a friend needs me now but I fear they are not wanting my help even though I'd drop everything and be there for them if they needed me to be.  I have to admit I hate feeling helpless but worse is the feeling of not being there and failing my friend, which stems from a painful time in my own life.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Had yet another awesome cool dream...

The start of the dream was a bit of a blur but it had a lot of nice suits is all I really remember of the start.  The next part of the dream was a bit like time lapse because we (a lovely lady friend and I) took a flight from Perth further west and landed in South Africa.  It was a warm sunny day and we travelled to the hotel and got this gorgeous room overlooking the ocean.

Having arrived mid afternoon and still a little jetlagged we settled into the room and took a sleep and woke up later that evening and went down for a delicious meal and so of the local night life. The next day was spent getting our clocks in order so to speak, we slept and got ourselves up to speed by the evening and had another great night. The next day we took a helicopter flight into the interior of the country and landed near one of the big reserves there. 

As we came in to land I could see a herd of elephants in the distance and my lady friend could too and she got so excited because she absolutely adores them.  The pilot got out and then we got out and we walked over to a large building which was like a bit of a museum, entry building thing and it had displays on all the animals in the park as well as some of the activities they had going on in the park.  A gentle giant of a man approached us and he was a native who spoke very softly with a strongly accented english.

We had organised a helicopter tour of the reserve and needed a guide who was capable of taking the journey with us, as it turned out this was our man.  It was amazing to see the well preserved skull of a lion so close and actually touch the big canine teeth which looked as big as my fingers.  On the wall behind it was an elephant tusk that had been recovered from poachers, something caught my eye.. a donation tin with a message please help us stop poachers from stealing these natural treasures with an arrow to this enourmous tusk.  I pointed it out to my lady friend and we both grabbed the biggest note each we could find and stuffed it in the tin.

Our big guide just gave this huge grin as if to say thank you very much, I know I'm speaking for myself but I'm sure my lady friend would totally agree - killing elephants is wrong, They have no intrinsic value apart from their ivory and to be honest what poachers are paid is a lot less than is made on the trade of illegal ivory.  There are good enough substitutes nowadays why remove the last remnants of a species for some small expensive trinket.  If you want something expensive buy gold or diamonds, not ivory.

Anyway back to the dream, we left the hall and got back into our nice helicopter for a journey along the boundary of the reserve and then over the interior. As we flew along this gorgeous river the guide explained that the land on the left of the river was reserve the land on the other was not.  The river itself was part of the reserve but when it dried up it made access for poachers easier and the jobs of rangers a lot harder.

Soon we were flying low over a gorgeous big lake and could see large masses in the water ahead, they were hippo's and some moved toward the shore while others just went under water as we flew safey overhead and banked to our left as we headed inland.  Looking down we could see zebras and gazelles etc in the grasslands, spreading as we approached naturally our flight may have upset a few lions but I did notice it help one particular pride by sending a small herd of zebra right to them.

As we ventured further inland my lady friend suddenly got really excited again, I know this coz she excitedly hit my arm then pulled on my sleeve to get my attention.  I turned to see her smiling huge and pointing, she was talking excitedly but I couldn't hear her. I told her, "You need to push the button on your headset to talk so we can hear you".... next thing I hear is this excited yet quick "sorry" followed by ... "look look look giraffes, a herd of giraffes and a bit to the right of them a bigger herd of elephants than
the one we saw when we got to the park."

The smile on her face was enormous it went from one ear to the other for certain, and I think it was that big she could've passed for the Cheshire Cat.  Well the flight continued on and we saw a lot more animals, including a cheetah chasing a gazelle which got away. During the flight we saw another 3 herds of giraffes and a couple big elephant herds, as well as lots of zebra and gazelles and a few lion prides.  It got to around noon and I realised we were almost back to the main building which was obviously where we were having lunch.

We sat down to a lovely salad lunch with the pilot and our guide and some other guests to the reserve and that was unfortunately when I woke up because of my damn alarm.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

here is a cool blog we all should read.. it's very true

random raving...

Well yesterday was my birthday and like most it came and went, but yesterday wasn't a happy birthday because for the past few days I've been rather ill - so much so that I've hardly eaten and all I seem to do is sleep and drink.  I don't mind the sleeping coz I know over the past month I haven't slept as much as I really should but you get that at times.

I got some presents yesterday too and a few nice surprises from friends who wished me Happy Birthday rather late in the day which is understandable if they forgot and were reminded online by one of the many reminders in social networking sites like Facebook.  I was feeling a little better last night but for some reason I also had trouble sleeping because I'd slept so much the last few days and I got to sleep about 2am which is totally unlike me coz mid week the latest I am up is usually midnight coz I get up at about 6am each day to get myself ready for work etc.

Anyways enough of that, I actually came on to rant about a few things in my life for example have you noticed how often people avoid talking to others when they are angry or upset.  I sometimes we think it's better to bottle it all up inside so we don't hurt someone else's feelings and stuff but there are times when we do that where people know we are hurting and all they want to do is help.  I mean heck I know my brother gets himself all bottled up inside and usually I can get him to blast it out with a few things I've learned over the years.

Letting the anger go or sharing the pain with someone else can make you feel a lot better and it also helps us to become more aware of what things are going wrong in your life or are upsetting you.  Many years ago I myself was silly enough to hold in a large amount of anger and pain and that was very bad because in the end it almost consumed me and destroyed who I am today.

The other rant I was gonna talk about is actually to do with friends - don't you just love friends, especially the ones who are there for you I mean really there for you... how many friends can we truly say would drop what they are doing to listen to our problems, comfort us or even help us with issues.  I know I have a handful of friends that I would even consider helping that much, but only one person usually is the "drop everything and go to them and help regardless" type.

I have one of them but for me it isn't as simple drop things and drive there in a hour... more like a couple days coz that person for me happens to be over 1000 miles away on the other side of the country.  I've had 3 times before when I packed up my car and gotten myself ready to go only to be talked out of it by another friend who happens to be there and can help them.  The one time that I truly wanted to go there the most and got talked out of it I should've gone because of all the people in their life they only wanted one person there... ME and I wasn't there for them.  Even today that stabs me and hurts me because I continue to feel that I have failed that friend because they are far more than a simple friend to me.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I'm amazed...

by how few people actually wished me happy birthday so far considering how often online they have notifications now of when people have them....  even less have texted or phoned me, but those who did text or phone were important people to me so it's all good.

The one downer for me has been my being sick with this horrible virus, I feel like death warmed up and I think I have slept more in 2 days than I did last week.  I would love to be better, then I wouldn't have the headache, the sore throat, the aching joints n muscles or any of the other nasty things.

I can't even celebrate my birthday properly :(


Today happens to be my birthday and although I am supposed to be happy and excited I don't feel like it.  Probably because I'm feeling really sick, somebody gave me a nasty virus as an early birthday present so I spent yesterday laying in bed... or visiting the toilet... or putting in fluids.

I was pretty much alone all day yesterday because this virus is so nasty and I don't want anybody else to get it coz I'd feel horrible knowing I'd passed it on.  I feel bad enough now, to be totally honest I feel like I was run over by a big Steamroller (like you sometimes see in old cartoons).  I honestly hate being sick and don't like being on my own when I am but for now it's more a case of gotta be. I came online coz it's my only contact with the outside world at this time and alas none of my friends are here.

I still have a fever, am in bed fully clothed and got 2 doonas on me as well as the heater on in the room coz I feel cold. I've vomitted a few times and also suffered a bit of diahorrea.... which isn't nice either when they try and join forces on you at the same time.  I know that sounds pretty gross, it is a lot worse than it sounds believe me... I have to put up with the whole lot.

I had 2 phone calls today from family members wishing me a Happy Birthday - they knew I was sick and one nephew asked if he woke me up - thankfully I was already awake but feeling like death warmed up.  I got some of my birthday presents a little early which is good coz then they didn't have to come here and give them to me today (and risk catching this stupid nasty virus)

Sunday, October 18, 2009

My dreams... an analysis

A recent dream indicated to me that I feel somewhat helpless about a certain subject, whilst also punishing myself for something as well.  In the same dream it seems I feel as though I'm unable to move forward from my current situation in relation to an issue, most likely the same thing as before.

Another aspect of the dream seemingly says that I want to escape something in my current life because I feel trapped by parts of it... I know that there are a variety of issues effecting me & I'm working hard to be able to remove some of these barriers so as to make life more enjoyable.

A previous dream was also strong and vivid....  It was a dream that had many aspects and a lot of fun.  In analysis using an online system I found that I'm willing to give or get joy or pleasure from people.  This dream involved sexual relations and it seems I'm dissatisfied with the physical side of a current relationship or it's a show of a repressed sexual desire, or need for physical or emotional love from this person.  The dream had a lot of hugging and that is supposedly an indicator of your caring nature and that you're holding something dear to you heart.

While kissing in the dream denotes love and affection but can also include tranquility or contenment. While playing a game can show your relaxed it can also show you're being competitive too.  While the playing of a video game can signify the stresses in your real life that you wish to escape at this time.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

it's crazy...

I usually can write heaps and have heaps to say but my mind is blank as I've been working hard and have been using a lot of my mental strength to block out physical pain.  The thing that frustrates me is the fact that I had this really good dream last night and remembered it all day and now it's like .... flash... gone.

I have generally had rather vivid dreams lately and some have been rather explicit while others have felt somewhat surreal.  Last night the dream was surreal but interesting but now it's gone... like the wind.

Monday, October 12, 2009

more words on LOVE

Love is one thing we go through our lives seeking and working so hard to find sometimes that we can manage to miss it sitting right under our noses.  Same as some people don't believe in True Love or Love At First Sight... I think they both exist but are very rare things.

I once was in love with a lady that I thought was a lovely wonderful person and my dream woman. We even got engaged and things seemed perfect for us, but it was a charade and my dream became a living nightmare.  I suffered greatly from that relationship and it almost destroyed my trust in not only women but my judgement and even love itself.  I needed extensive counselling to get my trust back and my confidence too.

I'd dated off and on but always seemed to have an ability for picking women who only loved me for the convenience of it and not for a real love.  Since my engagement went sour I have dated all sorts of women and the one who seemed to understand me the most was a recent ex-girlfriend who turned very nasty and vindictive last year.  This attack was rather hurtful and directed at my engagement, my relationship with her and my budding relationship with the most amazing woman I've ever known.

The remarks were about my engagement and the fact my ex-girlfriend had been cheating for several months before she left me... she managed to use her job and family for her excuses and it was this fact that she used to great effect. As her aim was to destabilise my growing confidence and mental strength so that it had an impact on a budding relationship.... As it turned out my ex must've had the same thoughts as the ex of my lady friend who managed to also upset her state of mind with a series of fake conversations he said he'd had with me.

He upset her deeply and as a result I became upset and even more vulnerable to attacks from my ex who kept bombarding me with a wide range of things. My new lady was hurt and that upset me only stressing me more and eventually the dam broke open... all my old wounds had been slightly opened and I now felt like my world was crashing rapidly around my ears because this person I had found was far more amazing than the lady who turned a 'dream' engagement into a nightmare.

This new lady had something about her that I couldn't put my finger on but the more I spoke with her the more and more I began to fall in love with her.  I will admit I love her more deeply than anyone else I'd ever been involved with. The love and emotion I feel now are the same ones I felt when she hurt herself because I love her with all my heart and probably will ...

what a day...

I started of having trouble geting to sleep this morning & think I was there sometime after 1am the thing is that I had to be up a 7am (on a Sunday) to play in a regional sporting carnival and left home just after 8am.

The carnival started at 9am with the first game about 9:30... each game takes 3 hours roughly and I played in 2 preliminary rounds and the final.The carnival was a 20-20 cricket carnival & my team had some extra players that we passed off to a team which had trouble getting players.  I was one & played my preliminary rounds with them as one of the most vital fielders & one of the teams most important batsmen.  I played well in both matches & was pretty heavily involved in field placings.  Unforunately we lacked good consistant bowlers & the inexperience of the boys showed.

Our main focusd was to play the games, do our best & most importantly have fun. I had a great deal of fun & was smiling consistantly all day long. Also it was good playing alongside guys from other areas, getting to know them & share a laugh with them as well.  I played for my normal team in the final against a very quality team with a national representative, an honorary national representative and 3 state representatives, we just had one state representative as our other one was injured before the game.

The match finished after 10:30pm.... and presentations followed that... I got home about 11:30pm and felt very stiff and sore as well as suffering from some sunburn as well. I actually have aches I didn't know I could get

Saturday, October 10, 2009


Have you ever noticed how everyones life is far more complex & intricate than the simple daily routine we like to think it is.  We like to make life seem simple enough... we're born, we grow old & die.  But if you look at it really that isn't all we do, we learn, undertake jobs, play sports and do so much more.

Thru our life we pay taxes, most buy a house, a car and invest continually in material things like furniture & clothes.  We fall in and out of love many times, we sometimes even get married more than once too... so how can anything in this life really be simple?  Some of us even have children, they add to the complexities of life, others even look after parents when they've gotten on a bit. 

Of course we have to deal with horror in our lives - we lose friends and family throughout our lives... some die others just seem to fall by the wayside and if that's not enough we can get thrown "curve balls" as we grow.

Broken bones, cars that need repair, unexpected bills, motor accidents and the like.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Dreams... Part 2

The second dream was somewhat interesting too... I started with me picking my lady friend up from the airport and taking the drive home... this allowed us to talk and catch up on things we had missed out on in each others lives recently.  It was soon lunch time so we had a meal at a restaurant and she was happy to be eating a lovely salad and some chinese noodles.

We finished the meal and I took her to see a movie and we sat quietly in the cinema eating popcorn and watching some movie.. it looked like it was a Twilight movie, maybe New Moon, or even later Eclipse.  We watched the movie and afterwards in the car we picked it apart while comparing it with the book and we looked at this difference and that and were both rather critical of the way it was done as it strayed too far from the book for our liking.

Later on we walked by the lake and the next day by the river and we had a lovely relaxing time together and it was nice, watching the sunset over the lake one evening she kissed me and that was when I woke up.

Dreams... Part 1

I guess everyone has read the previous blog about a shared dream... well they were one night - the following evening... last night I had 2 dreams both nice and both very calming.  The main subject of both dreams was in fact one very special lady and these dreams were in no way pornographic or anything like some guys might be hoping.

The first dream was in fact all about 4 people sitting in a lounge room play games on Xbox or Playstation... me, my lady friend and 2 associates.  As the night progressed my lady friend and I sat quietly on the sofa she rested her head against my shoulder while the male and female associate played games.  A little while later she had repositioned herself and her head was now resting on my chest, the next things I knew was that she had ended up asleep.  I didn't want to move and wake her so I stayed there quietly watching her sleep, she was so very peaceful and so very relaxed.

About 30 minutes later the male and female associate finished the game and turned to see me sitting there silently watching her sleep.  The male said, "You know you can wake her up mate!" I whispered back "No I'd rather let her sleep as she looks so cute and peaceful."  The couple just lightly laughed and grabbed a pillow and a blanket... I got the pillow and the blanket was placed over us both gently so as not to wake her.

I don't know when it was that I feel asleep but I did... the dream shifted to the morning and I was awaken by the lady who was gently shaking my shoulder.... "Did you stay out here all night?" Sleepily I replied, "Yeah she was so cute n peaceful and I couldn't bare to wake her up."  As I sat there the male came out and said, "Gee, you should've put her to bed and gone yourself" I said "Nah, I preferred this actually"

Soon the smell of breakfast cooking was wafting thru the room and with that my sleeping beauty stirred and woke.. rubbing her eyes she asked.. "Is it morning?" I said "yeah, you fell asleep and I didn't want to wake you coz you looked so cute" She blushed and removed the blanket, got up and put it over my head... and I woke up.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

That is so weird....

Last night I was talking to someone who happens to be so very special to me & we have shared so many things with each other. Personally I have told her more about me than any living person & she has slowly opened herself up to me more & more.

I'm glad that she's been able to open up and discuss things with me as it has so many benefits & can in fact make life far more bearable.  The things we've talked about are both deep & personal and this isn't the reason I'm writing this.

Anyway to the weird point... we both had dreams last nigth and it seems that last night we had some sort of mental bond because we both sort of had the same dream... even the details seemed the same... I didn't finish mine as my alarm woke me out of my sleep - but she finished her dream and said it was very detailed.  Mine was too what I can remember but again I think we will share that ourselves.... :)

The weird fact is that we both had the same dream and had good days while still remembering the dream...

Sunday, October 4, 2009


We all suffer it in one form or another... some live a life filled with physical or mental pain & end up looking for a ways to block this pain out.  I have many pains myself and sometimes I can simply block the physical and mental out, I sometimes struggle with both at once.

It takes a lot of strength to deal with certain pains and some deeper pains can be all enveloping if they aren't kept in check.  I've got deep life long scars, both mental and physical. I have dealt with some over many years, others only a few short months these new pains are taking some getting used to as well.

If you throw emotional aspects in there then it gets more tense and complex, these things have triggers and some are as simple as a sound or a smell.  I can't smell strong scented lavender without thinking about an ex-girlfriend but I love the smell too... I can't go past a certain point locally without remembering the horror of lives lost. I had trouble visiting an aunt as her house used to be an old church, one very particular one & I had nightmares whenever there.. I of course had a fair bit of trouble sleeping and rarely slept well while at their place.

Physical pain I feel is easier to block out because you are able to come accustomed to it.  You can actually control the nerves that send the pain message out, that is what pain tablets actually do... yet you can do it with lots of practice and that is something I've had but even then you will get times when it still hurts and catches you off guard.  That's coz what you are blocking is the normal pain so any extra pain can get thru.

I've never been good at controlling emotional pain and over the last few years I've found that as a person I've become more emotional and that has made me more and more vulnerable to the emotional pain.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Late nights

I was online and only just checked the time... 12:30am which lately has been a standard get to sleep time.  Tonight I wanted to be up so that I could talk with someone special but I almost went to sleep a couple times at my laptop coz she wasn't online.  I was just about to go when a friend of hers came on.

Now we (the friend n me ) are talking about all sorts of random things... It was also when I found out that my special someone was at her friends... which is cool too but to be honest I would've much rathered be there with them playing PlayStation etc.  I am to be honest a bit envious as I can tell that they are having a ball there while I'm home laying in bed feeling a little alone and a bit left out. That's because it seems that I have no real life to speak of that's why I happen to be here at all hours.

I really don't feel tired but that's normal when a specific person is involved.. for some reason time stands still & I find this extra energy .... I think she is the source as thinking of her helps me get thru long boring work days.  Today more than any I should be tired as now been awake 22 hours without conditioning but I probably will crash pretty hard when I do

Friday, October 2, 2009

Isn't it weird...

Ok right now here it's 4:32 in the morning & I'm wide awake all because I was woken up by my brother... silly thing is he could easily have left me a message or something but NO..... he had to wake me & tell me.  So now I'm laying warm & snug in my bed all alone (apart from this big brown Taz teddy bear) thinking of someone I care so very much about because they are so amazing.  Of course she also happens to be awake now which is quite strange in itself.

I'm smiling as I think of her lovely silken brown hair with the bits of red mixed thru it... her sweet big brown puppy dog eyes that are so soft and caring... but most of all I see her gorgeous smile which is enough to melt my heart every time I see it.  I know she once said she loved me, which is something she doesn't say lightly or too often...  I also know that she still cares for me far more than she is letting on because I know that she still has many secrets that she still hasn't fully trusted me with.

I may have lost some of that trust recently because I went thru a very bad patch & eneded up hurting her... worst of all was the fact I ended up doubting her.. when I would easily put my life in her hands because I trust her that much.  I've only ever trusted 1 person more than her and that's myself, I did trust someone else almost as much as her.... that person destroyed my trust & now is dead to me ... officially as of right now,

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Dragons are such amazing and wonderful creatures, this image is taken from an illustrated version of J.R.R. Tolkein's classic novel 'The Hobbit' the story that predates the Lord of the Rings Trilogy......

Personally I really enjoy the symbology and mythology behind these creatures... along with Dragons of course I like stories about Vampires and Werewolves .... and before you ask yes I have read the Twilight Saga books.