Sunday, November 1, 2009

Love can be painful...

I know this from my own personal experiences, to be totally honest love is that powerful it can kill and I personally have been down the dark path of love before.  Sure love can be all roses and happy things but when it goes bad it can become a monster that none of us can stop.  We don't realise just how potent this one emotion and feeling can be until it has us fully in its grasp.

When one of my past relationships fell apart before I knew what had happened I found myself in a place so dark and unforgiving that I actually thought I wouldn't get out of it alive. Thankfully I had friends there that helped me find a way out of that hell hole I had thrown myself into and with a lot of work and help I recovered my life and my sanity.  That love almost destroyed me completely but since then I have learned to cope with many of lifes trials and tribulations including finding and losing love over and over again.

The one thing that I never thought possible was loving that strongly again, but of course I was wrong and to be totally honest I had found love could be even stronger than that I had felt before.  I still feel that love now and battle daily to maintain myself and my sanity because unfortunately the woman I love currently loves another.  I respect her as a person and she is a good friend whom I trust more than anyone I've ever knowm for some reason and that for me is such an enormous step considering the events of my past.

She loved me once and to be honest I still feel that she loves me but she is scared to fully commit herself for some reason and I think part of that is to do with events that happened last year.  She felt the pain of love very badly last year and I wanted so much to be there for her and comfort her but alas I was over 2000 kilometres away and not able to get there for her.  I'm sure she knows how bad I feel for not being there for her and for not being able to comfort her, especially when her pain caused the rebirth of some of my own personal demons.

I found myself battling the horrible ghosts of my past at the same time because I wasn't there for her and felt that I had seriously let her down and ruined her trust in me.  This was something that had reared itself when my previous relationship turned sour because she left me stranded without an explanation or a reason and I felt that I had been the one at fault and caused her to leave.  Naturally this wasn't the case but when you blame yourself incessantly for weeks on end it becomes a part of your natural thinking.

As it turns out I had a relapse of those old feelings because I felt that I had failed her, let her down and felt that I had not properly shown her the love she so deserved to experience.  Since then however I have learnt many things and I know now that she knew how much I cared about her, because she was worried about me as much as I was about her.  That's because she knows how bad my past was and how close to destroying me it had become.

If I could change those events I would gladly do that because I hate to see her in pain, even more so if I couldn't stop her pain I would give anything to have been there to comfort her like she wanted me to.  I would've sold my soul to the devil if it meant she was ok and safe, because to me nothing is more important than her and that is why love can be so painful.  We can easily forgo ourselves for others and sometimes when we do we leave ourselves open and vulnerable... there are people out there that pray on that vulnerability like a few ex-girlfriends of mine and one of her ex-boyfriends.

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