I have had a very interesting day today....

Yesterday I was hurting and filled with this uncontrollable pain that I guess I really brought on myself and I unfortunately wasn't my normal self and that meant I didn't think straight and said some things that I know were uncalled for and hurt someone very important to me, someone I love I just hope that I can be forgiven for that.

I still am extremely angry at myself for what happened and I could give her everything I own (including my own life) for an eternity and it wouldn't be enough to repay the hurt and anguish I caused her with my thoughtless words and actions. She is the most caring, thoughtful and beautiful person I have ever known and the pain I feel from hurting her is far greater than any other physical pain I have endured in my lifetime.

It was an exceptionally nice day with lovely warm weather, and I guess that is why I wanted so much to be able to spend it with her as only a small part of my apology that I still feel I need to make so as to repay my debt to her for the hurt and pain I allowed her to suffer. A pain I had sworn never to submit her to, and that is another reason why I am so very mad at myself.

I broke a promise to her, I caused her to be upset and I feel like I am a lesser person for that. Her forgiving nature and humility continue to amaze me and as usual her actions inspire me and make me even more and more proud of her.

When I first came across her several years ago there was something that told me this lovely lady was a very special person and the more I have gotten to know her the more and more I can feel myself falling deeper and deeper for her. There are times when she seems to be a kindred spirit who I feel I belong with this does get clouded and distorted by the pain and evils within my past and the fact she understands and forgives me for all my misgivings makes her even more special,

Illusions...

Our mind is an amazing strange yet wonderful thing, magicians continue to chose to trick the mind into seeing things that are not really happening.

Alas sometimes we can also fool ourselves and that can be very bad not only for us but those around us because when we are fooled by ourself then we can also end up hurting those around us.

The worst pain to get is one that we feel is there and real but in fact it is just a figment of our own cruel and twisted imaginations. I have experienced so many bad things in my life and a lot of those are hiding deep within my mind, I keep many locked away as good as I can but there are times of weakness when they force their way out and wreak havoc with me and my state of mind.

I do not condone the things I did and I have apologised to the most important person in my life but I cannot excuse myself as simply as she did because I hurt her and I personally feel that I deserve a far more severe punishment. One more befitting of what I did than a simple heartfelt apology, real pain is what I deserve........

Life is Like a Broken Mirror

I guess this old saying comes to light more with recent events in my life and I have to admit I feel so very stupid because I made assumptions about many things and they were totally wrong and for that I feel so bad.

When we look at ourselves in a normal mirror everything is where it should be, but you take a hammer and hit that mirror hard enough to break it then you will see the shards of your life... parts of time and space that can be called events within the fabric of your being - look closely and you will make some things out clearly but others you will have no idea about and that my friends is why life is like a broken mirror - because what we sometimes see and feel isn't what is really there.

I owe someone very important and special to me the biggest longest apology ever made and I hope that deep within her heart she can forgive this total and complete fool who let the demons of his past cloud his present and take a hammer to his mirror once more.

I would not blame her if she never ever forgave me but I know that after talking with her I feel so much better and far more clear than I have the past 24 or so hours.... thank you to the most amazing wonderful woman I know.

Real friends, true friends.. and fake ones..

A friend is someone who we can talk to when we feel the need to.

A real friend is there to offer support and guidance, sometimes they will be right there with you but not always.
The true friend will be there with you every step of the way, usually in the thick of it right alongside you.
A fake friend will be there too, they don't help they just sit back and watch waiting for you to fall so they can laugh.

Real friends look out for you, help you with the little things and have fun with you when they can.
True friends are real friends but they are there for you when things are bad too, they even remember important stuff like your birthday and think of you as a part of them.
Fake friends are there when they want to be, they don't care about you but will have fun with you because it suits or benefits them.

A real friend will do things for you and get you things you can use, they generally like to get help in return.
Your true friend will do things and get stuff without asking why or expecting anything back.
Of course your fake friend might help but they'd usually give 20 question and expect payment in full as soon as possible.

When you're in trouble for some reason or another a real friend might step in and help but they might step back and not help, a true friend will be there beside you all the way making the best of it for you and a fake friend will just spread the rumours about you.

WHICH ONE ARE YOU?

just a few thoughts....

I'm currently laying on my bed listening to a bit of music, talking with a friend and contemplating the world.

I guess looking back through my life I can honestly say so far it has been a bumpy ride which has taken me to hell and back, the irony of it all is the fact Marilyn Manson wrote a song called "Long Hard Road Outta Hell" and now I can totally understand what he meant. No matter how far you drive away from it, the cold hard fact is it sits there right behind you.

Thankfully for me the long road out has been illuminated by someone who means a great deal to me, they continue to be my help, drive & inspiration. Whenever the road is hard & tough all I need to do is think of what this person means to me & I feel myself lifting up & moving forward more & more each day....