Personal pain & suffering...

Many people don't know or understand what kinds of painful things we go thru on a daily basis and even less people have our trust enough to allow us a freedom & security to discuss what pains we feel.  Personally I feel pain every day some days the pain is something I have without choice but more often than not I find I create my own pain.  I have become more & more accustomed to it & sometimes need to go a little more extreme to feel a worth while pain.

It just so happens that I do have a pain that is beyond my control, and to be honest it hurts far more than any physical pain I have ever known, and I have had a lot of those believe me. Last night I was very much concerned about a lady that is more important to me than I think she is fully aware of, anyway I live so far from her that I can't be there to look after her so I enlisted the help of a mutual friend who I trust very much. 

Unfortunately in doing so I had to tell her a little about why I wanted her to look after my extremely important lady friend.  In doing so I broke her trust, I've only ever been that worried about her once before & that was a time when she was very seriously hurt and wanted me there more than anybody else.  I couldn't be there & even now that memory cuts like a knife without leaving any visible reminders.

Right now I have a headache, toothache, sore neck, left shoulder, right ribs, lower back, left groin, right hamstring, left achilles & ankle, right foot, left bicep, right elbow, right wrist & right index finger.  All of that pain seemingly blends into itself, so I guess it feels a lot like my whole body aches on different levels.  That pain is nothing compared to the one I feel when I've upset the lady I love or I know she is in pain herself.  To put how bad that pain is in prespective let me paint you a picture in your mind. 

Imagine if you will partly amputating a finger and having the raw nerves exceptionally close to the main pressure points, which also have the sharp edge of cut bone to compete with. A light bump on that finger can be worse than when you hit your funny bone on something, it doesn't get the dead arm sensation but it easily gets the pain.

In the last week alone it was hit 6 times by steel,  some was heavy and fell from a good height and lets just say that for the next minute afterwards not many nice words came out of my mouth.  To be honest I wouldn't be surprised if the small amount of bone has a myriad of fractures. Without trying it kind of feels like when you accidentally close a draw on it, not when you slam it but when you push it in firmly coz it's full.  My pain doesn't bother me it's something I can bear, I can't bear to see the most important lady in my ife hurt or in pain as that literally tears me apart, and I did that last night, I hurt her.  For my penance I hurt myself by simply hurting my finger which I continue to do now on an irregular basis to remind myself that I should never hurt her, I should only hurt me.

Life is Like a Broken Mirror

I guess this old saying comes to light more with recent events in my life and I have to admit I feel so very stupid because I made assumptions about many things and they were totally wrong and for that I feel so bad.

When we look at ourselves in a normal mirror everything is where it should be, but you take a hammer and hit that mirror hard enough to break it then you will see the shards of your life... parts of time and space that can be called events within the fabric of your being - look closely and you will make some things out clearly but others you will have no idea about and that my friends is why life is like a broken mirror - because what we sometimes see and feel isn't what is really there.

I owe someone very important and special to me the biggest longest apology ever made and I hope that deep within her heart she can forgive this total and complete fool who let the demons of his past cloud his present and take a hammer to his mirror once more.

I would not blame her if she never ever forgave me but I know that after talking with her I feel so much better and far more clear than I have the past 24 or so hours.... thank you to the most amazing wonderful woman I know.

How I feel...

I have to admit that I'm a pretty emotional person but lately I've been more than normal.

Last year I fell in love with someone who is still in my heart and thoughts, unfortunately for me they have moved on and even though we are friends they don't keep feeling the things I do. I still get butterflies in my stomach when she's about, she sometimes tries to hide but I can feel here presence as it surrounds me. I find time stands totally still when I talk with her & I seem to get that much energy from her presence that sometimes it's hard to sleep.

I love every little thing about her, those puppy dog eyes, her soft kissable lips and breath taking smile. I love her soft gentle angelic voice, the way she talks relaxes & calms my troubled soul. Her soft skin looks so delicate yet I know she is actually very strong and resilient. I adore her positive smiling nature & happy demeanour as they make me so happy too. Just having her around is like being on some kind of drug, I guess I even get withdrawals when she's not there too.

I love her still so very much, but know that right now all she wants is a friend. I can be that friend yet I know that how I feel about her makes our lives hard as she no longer feels those things that I still feel. I wish at times I didn't fall apart when I did, or people didn't hurt her when they did because deep down I know that's when it all went bad for us. I honestly have never felt this much emotion for any person before.

It scares & unbalances me so very much not just because of how I feel, but because I have been seriously hurt before and also because I know that I have also fallen apart because of that old pain. I get scared by the uncertainty of life even now I fear losing her friendship as I think she doesn't realise I will always love her but know she no longer loves me, she cares about me - that's it.

I continue to try and distance myself from her even now but her pull on me is stronger than that of gravity, maybe stronger than 10G's. I've never once been mad at her, she recently left abruptly & like every other time my anger is directed inward at me. I was why she left, I made her leave... OMG I just realised that this whole thing is like before in that respect...

I really need to give her some space & I should be more understanding of her, I'm trying hard but there are so many things that I've got to deal with still.... I have to apologise to her again for my stupidity & hope she understands & can forgive me still.