The last couple days I have been rather in a strange mood, I've pretty much cleaned not only my room but a large portion of the house. In doing so I also rearranged my cupboards so I can better find my clothes as I have a wide range of nice clothes from Mossimo, 26 Red, JAG and Quiksilver just to drop a few names.
The really funny thing is some of my most favourite tops are from Target, these tops have a plain simple elegance and I have to admit I think they suit me. I tend to go for the not too flash things although if it's flashy & I like it then I might get it. Having done that I also went out and did a little "shopping for self" even though Christmas isn't too far off. I purchased a few small items and only spent $50 on myself when I was tempted to spend an extra $100 or so.
I had a splurge at the supermarket too... I brought some cookies, ice cream, chocolate and fruit - Pink Lady Apples and some seedless grapes... yummy. I have had an ice cream and some grapes so far and I must say they were delicious. I will take an apple with me for lunch tomorrow along with my beef noodles and Crunchie chocolate bar.
I guess I should end this up and get some sleep since I will be awake in about 7 hours and at work in 8 and a half. It's been a long few weeks work wise but the overtime pay is very handy at this time of year too.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
I'm here for my friends...
Whenever things seem to be getting too much for you and you don't feel like you have a friend always remember that I am here for you no matter what the time of day or night. I wouldn't mind being woken as long as you were ok, because if anything happened to you then my world would not be as happy or as bright as it is because you are part of it.
I know that you have a lot of things in your mind and your past, remember I too have my issues and I just want you to know that if you ever want to talk to me I'm here... that's one reason I always help you out with certain things because I don't want you to be unable to talk to me when you feel you want or need to do so.
Right now a debate rages in my mind, should I go there or stay here... because I know you are hurting a great deal and need comforting but I also know that you have people in your life that should be looking after you but maybe they don't understand just how fragile you are... sometimes the most beautiful flower is the most delicate. I know you probably wouldn't want me there anyway because that in itself would also make things more difficult.
I mean after everything between us we find ourselves still friends and I have to admit there are many times that I can still feel that more exists than just that simple friendship. The way I always seem to lift when you are about tells me that there is something about you that I just seem to cannot do without. My world has become a far better place because of you and I hope that your world is better because of me.
I want you to talk to me, to open up and share some of your pain with me because I know that you need to share it so that it doesn't eat you alive. My sharing of my pain with you has in fact helped me a great deal and I feel bad because I have a feeling that my pain has only added to your pain. And this saddens me because I never meant to hurt you, I just wanted you to understand me and my life a little more because you are very very important to me.
I know that you have a lot of things in your mind and your past, remember I too have my issues and I just want you to know that if you ever want to talk to me I'm here... that's one reason I always help you out with certain things because I don't want you to be unable to talk to me when you feel you want or need to do so.
Right now a debate rages in my mind, should I go there or stay here... because I know you are hurting a great deal and need comforting but I also know that you have people in your life that should be looking after you but maybe they don't understand just how fragile you are... sometimes the most beautiful flower is the most delicate. I know you probably wouldn't want me there anyway because that in itself would also make things more difficult.
I mean after everything between us we find ourselves still friends and I have to admit there are many times that I can still feel that more exists than just that simple friendship. The way I always seem to lift when you are about tells me that there is something about you that I just seem to cannot do without. My world has become a far better place because of you and I hope that your world is better because of me.
I want you to talk to me, to open up and share some of your pain with me because I know that you need to share it so that it doesn't eat you alive. My sharing of my pain with you has in fact helped me a great deal and I feel bad because I have a feeling that my pain has only added to your pain. And this saddens me because I never meant to hurt you, I just wanted you to understand me and my life a little more because you are very very important to me.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
quiet contemplation... yet again...
Many people who know me understand that I tend to spend a lot of time in thought, probably because my life has so very much going on within it that sometimes I need to step back and think about the path I am taking before I find myself moving down a dead end street.
I've had much in my life to think about and contemplate but lately the past isn't really something I've been looking at it has in fact been the future. I know that what I feel for some people in my life isn't what they feel for me and there are some who only care because it gets them something they don't have. Lately I've been evaluating the importance of those I have in my life and have decided that it's time to start looking more at what is best for me and not just everyone in my life.
There are only a handful of people whom I feel are worthy of true friendship and these people are those I trust and respect more than anything. One of them means more to me than anyone who isn't family has ever before and to be honest I've never felt the level of comfort or contentment that I do when I talk to her that I have with anyone. I also have never felt as lost as I do when she's not about, this is something I never expected to feel because the last time I felt these things I was engaged and even then they weren't this strong.
I will admit it scares and worries me at times because I've got no control over this part of my life, I am at the mercy of my emotions and that's truly something I don't enjoy. I know that she reads these & I'm sure that at times she wants to say stuff but doesn't know how. Honestly if she wants to say something, all that is needed is a text or an e-mail and I'm sure of one thing. She has never once let me down or done anything that's made me care about her less, if anything I've let her down and not been there for her when she has needed me the most and I should be shot for that.
I've had much in my life to think about and contemplate but lately the past isn't really something I've been looking at it has in fact been the future. I know that what I feel for some people in my life isn't what they feel for me and there are some who only care because it gets them something they don't have. Lately I've been evaluating the importance of those I have in my life and have decided that it's time to start looking more at what is best for me and not just everyone in my life.
There are only a handful of people whom I feel are worthy of true friendship and these people are those I trust and respect more than anything. One of them means more to me than anyone who isn't family has ever before and to be honest I've never felt the level of comfort or contentment that I do when I talk to her that I have with anyone. I also have never felt as lost as I do when she's not about, this is something I never expected to feel because the last time I felt these things I was engaged and even then they weren't this strong.
I will admit it scares and worries me at times because I've got no control over this part of my life, I am at the mercy of my emotions and that's truly something I don't enjoy. I know that she reads these & I'm sure that at times she wants to say stuff but doesn't know how. Honestly if she wants to say something, all that is needed is a text or an e-mail and I'm sure of one thing. She has never once let me down or done anything that's made me care about her less, if anything I've let her down and not been there for her when she has needed me the most and I should be shot for that.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Inside my thoughts.... (just a little insight, say 10%)
A very good friend wrote a blog about this subject and it was something I thought was relevant.
Like many of us my brain is over active, probably because the work I do is rather mundane which means I have to find things to occupy my mind. This can sometimes be a very bad thing especially when I've been working hard, am tired and feeling as if the world is closing in around me or ignoring me. In these instances I start to feel more alone and subsequently I become disheartened and rather down. I guess the main reason this happens is because I have had a wide variety of events that I would call pivotal and life changing.
A lot of these events aren't nice and as a result I tend to sometimes close myself off to the world because I become scared or worried about a variety of things. I always feel that I have let people down because of a variety of events within my past. Many of these are things I have locked away and I honestly only share them when I feel comfortable and can fully trust someone. Even today I still have secrets that nobody else knows, and there are others that only one other person is aware of.
As a younger person I had a wide variety of dreams and as I grew some of those changed because of one event or another. Sometimes disappointment or disenchantment caused me to alter my dreams and sometimes these were not always within my own control and that also made it hard to deal with as I grew. Couple into this the wants and desires of parents who wanted to avenge the failures they made in life through the one vessel they felt capable of achieving that goal, me. These pressures were something a child should never be burdened with and my parents' continually showed displeasure when I was unable to achieve the goals they has so loftily set for me.
Both parents were athletes and my father was even a Junior Olympian yet he felt he hadn't reached his full potential and had decided that I would be able to achieve what he didn't full Olympic Glory. I knew within myself I wasn't capable but I went along for the ride because if I didn't my life would've been far more miserable. I trained extensively and could easily have been classed as someone with an eating disorder because I was pretty much skin, muscle and bone. I had less body fat than a marathon runner, probably because I was always on the go.
Today I am still pretty much non-stop, I just have more than one thing to drive me along, my mind still finds that it needs to search for stimulation and if it doesn't it tends to seek out memories and once it has it tends to focus on what if's then and this can be sometimes fun and it can also be sometimes bad. The most recent what if's involve the friend who writes blogs and I will admit we have had some history together, just not as much as either of us had hoped I think.
There are things that I have been wanting to say to her and talk to her about and sometimes I can sort of brush on them here in vague detail, but I am scared to go too far because I don't know who reads them. I have been contemplating sending her an e-mail but I don't know if she reads them because she doesn't send responses to the letters or reply to some of the questions within them. I care about her very much & I know she cares for me but I don't know how much because like me she too can be very guarded and closed off in ways.
Like many of us my brain is over active, probably because the work I do is rather mundane which means I have to find things to occupy my mind. This can sometimes be a very bad thing especially when I've been working hard, am tired and feeling as if the world is closing in around me or ignoring me. In these instances I start to feel more alone and subsequently I become disheartened and rather down. I guess the main reason this happens is because I have had a wide variety of events that I would call pivotal and life changing.
A lot of these events aren't nice and as a result I tend to sometimes close myself off to the world because I become scared or worried about a variety of things. I always feel that I have let people down because of a variety of events within my past. Many of these are things I have locked away and I honestly only share them when I feel comfortable and can fully trust someone. Even today I still have secrets that nobody else knows, and there are others that only one other person is aware of.
As a younger person I had a wide variety of dreams and as I grew some of those changed because of one event or another. Sometimes disappointment or disenchantment caused me to alter my dreams and sometimes these were not always within my own control and that also made it hard to deal with as I grew. Couple into this the wants and desires of parents who wanted to avenge the failures they made in life through the one vessel they felt capable of achieving that goal, me. These pressures were something a child should never be burdened with and my parents' continually showed displeasure when I was unable to achieve the goals they has so loftily set for me.
Both parents were athletes and my father was even a Junior Olympian yet he felt he hadn't reached his full potential and had decided that I would be able to achieve what he didn't full Olympic Glory. I knew within myself I wasn't capable but I went along for the ride because if I didn't my life would've been far more miserable. I trained extensively and could easily have been classed as someone with an eating disorder because I was pretty much skin, muscle and bone. I had less body fat than a marathon runner, probably because I was always on the go.
Today I am still pretty much non-stop, I just have more than one thing to drive me along, my mind still finds that it needs to search for stimulation and if it doesn't it tends to seek out memories and once it has it tends to focus on what if's then and this can be sometimes fun and it can also be sometimes bad. The most recent what if's involve the friend who writes blogs and I will admit we have had some history together, just not as much as either of us had hoped I think.
There are things that I have been wanting to say to her and talk to her about and sometimes I can sort of brush on them here in vague detail, but I am scared to go too far because I don't know who reads them. I have been contemplating sending her an e-mail but I don't know if she reads them because she doesn't send responses to the letters or reply to some of the questions within them. I care about her very much & I know she cares for me but I don't know how much because like me she too can be very guarded and closed off in ways.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
oh I love that sound...
I'm relaxing on my bed, and I'm home all alone in silence listening to the ebb and flow of the rain as it starts out light then gets heavy and moves to a more steady constant tone. I have my window open just a peek so that the aroma can softly waft inside as the gentle smell of rain is so amazing and to be honest yesterday before it even rained I could smell it was coming.
The gentle drumming on the tin roof is so very calming and could easily put me to sleep, kinda like the white noise you get when your TV doesn't have a channel signal. The sound of the rain has this magical effect, it's able to calm a troubled mind whilst lightly sedating us without our knowledge.
I love how certain simple things calm me and put a smile on my face... storms and the rain do it but they are unpredictable and you can't always get them when they're needed most. One thing that lifts me up n gets me smiling is a special lady, just her being around makes me feel better & to be honest I've never felt that before in my life...
The gentle drumming on the tin roof is so very calming and could easily put me to sleep, kinda like the white noise you get when your TV doesn't have a channel signal. The sound of the rain has this magical effect, it's able to calm a troubled mind whilst lightly sedating us without our knowledge.
I love how certain simple things calm me and put a smile on my face... storms and the rain do it but they are unpredictable and you can't always get them when they're needed most. One thing that lifts me up n gets me smiling is a special lady, just her being around makes me feel better & to be honest I've never felt that before in my life...
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