Personal pain & suffering...

Many people don't know or understand what kinds of painful things we go thru on a daily basis and even less people have our trust enough to allow us a freedom & security to discuss what pains we feel.  Personally I feel pain every day some days the pain is something I have without choice but more often than not I find I create my own pain.  I have become more & more accustomed to it & sometimes need to go a little more extreme to feel a worth while pain.

It just so happens that I do have a pain that is beyond my control, and to be honest it hurts far more than any physical pain I have ever known, and I have had a lot of those believe me. Last night I was very much concerned about a lady that is more important to me than I think she is fully aware of, anyway I live so far from her that I can't be there to look after her so I enlisted the help of a mutual friend who I trust very much. 

Unfortunately in doing so I had to tell her a little about why I wanted her to look after my extremely important lady friend.  In doing so I broke her trust, I've only ever been that worried about her once before & that was a time when she was very seriously hurt and wanted me there more than anybody else.  I couldn't be there & even now that memory cuts like a knife without leaving any visible reminders.

Right now I have a headache, toothache, sore neck, left shoulder, right ribs, lower back, left groin, right hamstring, left achilles & ankle, right foot, left bicep, right elbow, right wrist & right index finger.  All of that pain seemingly blends into itself, so I guess it feels a lot like my whole body aches on different levels.  That pain is nothing compared to the one I feel when I've upset the lady I love or I know she is in pain herself.  To put how bad that pain is in prespective let me paint you a picture in your mind. 

Imagine if you will partly amputating a finger and having the raw nerves exceptionally close to the main pressure points, which also have the sharp edge of cut bone to compete with. A light bump on that finger can be worse than when you hit your funny bone on something, it doesn't get the dead arm sensation but it easily gets the pain.

In the last week alone it was hit 6 times by steel,  some was heavy and fell from a good height and lets just say that for the next minute afterwards not many nice words came out of my mouth.  To be honest I wouldn't be surprised if the small amount of bone has a myriad of fractures. Without trying it kind of feels like when you accidentally close a draw on it, not when you slam it but when you push it in firmly coz it's full.  My pain doesn't bother me it's something I can bear, I can't bear to see the most important lady in my ife hurt or in pain as that literally tears me apart, and I did that last night, I hurt her.  For my penance I hurt myself by simply hurting my finger which I continue to do now on an irregular basis to remind myself that I should never hurt her, I should only hurt me.