Wednesday, September 2, 2009

How I feel...

I have to admit that I'm a pretty emotional person but lately I've been more than normal.

Last year I fell in love with someone who is still in my heart and thoughts, unfortunately for me they have moved on and even though we are friends they don't keep feeling the things I do. I still get butterflies in my stomach when she's about, she sometimes tries to hide but I can feel here presence as it surrounds me. I find time stands totally still when I talk with her & I seem to get that much energy from her presence that sometimes it's hard to sleep.

I love every little thing about her, those puppy dog eyes, her soft kissable lips and breath taking smile. I love her soft gentle angelic voice, the way she talks relaxes & calms my troubled soul. Her soft skin looks so delicate yet I know she is actually very strong and resilient. I adore her positive smiling nature & happy demeanour as they make me so happy too. Just having her around is like being on some kind of drug, I guess I even get withdrawals when she's not there too.

I love her still so very much, but know that right now all she wants is a friend. I can be that friend yet I know that how I feel about her makes our lives hard as she no longer feels those things that I still feel. I wish at times I didn't fall apart when I did, or people didn't hurt her when they did because deep down I know that's when it all went bad for us. I honestly have never felt this much emotion for any person before.

It scares & unbalances me so very much not just because of how I feel, but because I have been seriously hurt before and also because I know that I have also fallen apart because of that old pain. I get scared by the uncertainty of life even now I fear losing her friendship as I think she doesn't realise I will always love her but know she no longer loves me, she cares about me - that's it.

I continue to try and distance myself from her even now but her pull on me is stronger than that of gravity, maybe stronger than 10G's. I've never once been mad at her, she recently left abruptly & like every other time my anger is directed inward at me. I was why she left, I made her leave... OMG I just realised that this whole thing is like before in that respect...

I really need to give her some space & I should be more understanding of her, I'm trying hard but there are so many things that I've got to deal with still.... I have to apologise to her again for my stupidity & hope she understands & can forgive me still.

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