Feeling like I shouldn't be here...

I sit silently on my bed reading your words, the images you create with them are troubling & hurt me the pain it causes I don't like because I don't control it.  I seriously am tempted to pack my bags up and take a drive to be there with you so that I can show you that you have more control than you realise.  Plus you have done far more right than you give yourself credit for, some of those things are not easy and I don't think you would class them as right but in my eyes they are.

I talk to you and for some reason I can sense you feel better, I know that when I'm talking to you no matter how horrible I feel or how bad my day was I feel better knowing you're there.  I tend to miss you daily and sometimes wish that I would log onto my computer to be greeted by a small surprise from you, be it a note or a simple message to say that you're well and have been busy or something.

I worry about you very much too because I care about you probably more than you realise and your pain hurts me, more than my own personal pain does because unlike my pain I have no control over yours. I have sleepless nights & troubled days when I know you're hurting, the last few days have been like a bit of a nightmare for me.

My own personal hell is something I wrestle with each day, the pain it causes from a variety of memories is something I can handle albeit sometimes I feel I'd be better off dead.  If I throw in knowing you're hurt in any way then I find myself losing my own pain & wanting to take care of you annd remove all of your pain in a heart beat.  I still love you so very much and your happiness is something I want to ensure because you're a wonderful person and I should be there with you now to be your protector and confidant as well as your friend.