Tuesday, September 1, 2009

what a couple of days...

Yesterday was so rather dark and I felt like the world was against me in more ways than one. I even felt like nobody cared which even though I know this isn't true I still felt it. I had a strong feeling that my friends had abandoned me. I've really had an issue with that feeling because of something that happened to me a long time ago, and having that feeling yesterday was not at all good.

I felt as though my friends and family didn't care if I lived or died, that feeling has only been with me once before and it scared me so very badly yesterday when I again felt it as strongly as that. I tried to get in touch with some of my friends so that I could at least stop feeling that way but as fate would have it they all were busy or something so they didn't return my texts or messages. So as the day wore on I felt like I was walking further away from the light and being more exposed to the darkness.

Adding to these feelings was the fact that I was working alone, I had family and some friends drop their problems in my lap without even asking me if I was ok. I struggled bleakly through the day and was also hurting a bit physically which I think only added to the feelings of utter despair.

Thankfully my brother was there to drive home because I honestly did feel I was capable of undertaking that task properly. I was tired, sore and extremely irritated as well as feeling really like the world wanted to swallow me up and not spit me back out.

I was home for a while when a very good friend popped online and we chatted for a while and I was able to talk to them about my worries and the things bringing me down. I've always been able to talk openly with them and find I can't keep a secret from her at all. She knows my darkest more painful secrets and I respect the fact that she trusts me with her life too.

I was talking to her and she smiled, just your normal IM smile but that was enough for me to break my first smile of the day. Naturally I told her that it was my first for the day and she was jubilant to say the least. We talked for a couple hours in all I think, I don't honestly know because when I'm talking to her there is no time - it seems to stop or lose all meaning.

Today, I texted her to thank her for all her assistance as I had a nice sleep and felt extremely good for once. I was happy to hear back from her and we actually exchanged a variety of texts all day long - something I normally don't seem to do but with her I always seem comfortable.

I naturally had her in my mind most of the day, and because she was in my mind I was smiling continually. I listened to my MP3 player and every song was sung to because I was so happy... I even danced to a few songs - thank god I worked alone again today or people would've had me thrown in a Mental Hospital. I sang a couple songs so loud today that I'm sure someone heard my screeching. The song were by a band called Paramore, I know that I heard one song twice... Chances.

It was appropriate that song played a couple times because it really got me thinking too. I remembered the only time I kind of kept this secret from my lady friend and it was only because the friend that told me wanted it to be a surprise for her and if I told her it'd spoil it. I do know she loved the horse riding along the beach, her friend told me that she was so happy and for that I'm glad I was able to hold that secret long enough.

Even now I think about her, mainly how amazing, beautiful, caring and supportive she is. I love the way her smile warms me and always gets me smiling. Her voice is so soft and has such a gentle angelic nature to it that I'm sure she is from heaven itself. She is just gorgeous, her nature is so up beat and I love how happy she is, I hope that it's me making her smile and happy too.

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