Monday, October 26, 2009


I was working away doing my usual stuff, since it is pretty mindless and boring I found myself thinking about a few other things to keep myself amused and switched on so to speak.  I was thinking a lot about our lives and the choices we make or are helped make throughout them, after all sometimes we do not totally decide things on our own.  I looked back at my childhood and a lot of the events there, many of which panned out with me not having an input into the end result of many decisions.. sometimes it would be nice to have had an input and I know that several things wouldn't have happened the way they did if I had a say in those matters.

Naturally as we grow and get older we also appreciate and understand things better, and the more we look back from our new vantage point the more we see can certainly say... I know if I had my time again I would do that differently.  Even as we get older there are things decided without our input, as teenagers we are sometimes subjected to the stronger will of the group and peer pressure can be an evil monster which has a tendancy of running out of control.. I for one know all about that too.

Sometimes even when we think we have made a decision on our own it can be a falsehood with others already making the decision on your behalf.  Again this is something I am all too familiar with considering my parents happened to be rather controlling and manipulative, in fact they still continue to be so in many ways but I am free of that grasp while others aren't so lucky yet.  I broke out and travelled away with work but even then I was still trapped by my parents.  Their fiscal ineptitude saw me enslaved and to be honest in some ways I still am but I also have some freedom too.

I wish I had the financial freedom I so crave as with that I would venture toward the sunset and adventure.  I was looking retrospectively at a series of events that reshaped my life last year.  I have to admit it was an extremely difficult time for me & I also know that it was hard on others too.  I think for now I need to get my story out there as I know that many things are sometimes said and done.. some times we are happy we did things a certain way & other times we regret our actions.

Last year the most pivotal thing that occurred didn't happen to me directly.. it happened to a lady who is so very dear to my heart and when it happened I was initially gobsmacked and in shock.  After a short sharp slap to the face I was able to snap out of this shock and that was when the first flood gate opened & I was overwhelmed by a sea of emotions as the gravity of it all had sunken in.  Instantly I spoke to a friend and they could easily see by my words and language that I was seriously distressed and when I told them that I had my gear packed and ready to drive there they proceeded to talk me out of it.

It took her a good hour of solid negotiations to talk me down and get me to rest & relax, she also got me to step back a bit so that I didn't smother my lady friend and make her worse.  I listened to her & if I had listened to my heart I would have slept as I had come to realise I needed and then taken the drive.  In retrospect I was speaking with the particular lady friend and the only person she wanted there was in fact me.  If she had said that on the fateful night then I'm sure that nothing would've stopped me from taking that journey for at that particular time she was far more important to me than even my own personal safety.

Her friend was totally aware of this & I think they were also worried about my reaction on seeing her because of the circumstances behind her pain etc and what I may do to those that caused her pain.  I'm a non violent person but 6 years of military training means one can be extremely nasty when correctly provoked and her friend knew that I was in such an unstable state because of everything that I'd probably do something silly if I had gone there and this was another reason she wanted me to step back from it all.  She feared I was in an unstable enough position with how I felt about the lady friend that I would do something mortal and she could've been right too I honestly don't know what would've transpired if I went there.

I do know one thing, I would've hugged n kissed my hurt lady friend and I would've been caring & helped her as much as I could... I know that my being there would've been enough to prove a few things to her as well.  I regret not going to her back then and not a single day goes by that I don't wish I had gone there & been there for her.

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