Thursday, January 7, 2010

been feeling a bit all alone... and worthless...

I have friends all around the world, and here at home and I have a family who are pretty close but that doesn't help when there are only a few people you can really truly say that you can trust or talk to about some things.

I have one particular friend who is so easy to talk to and so amazing that sometimes I forget she is a solid 3 day drive away from me... sometimes I feel like she is just that little trip around the corner and down the block.  The ease at which I feel when she's around is unlike anything I have experienced in such a very long time.  The only person who I felt this comfy around I was once engaged to and that ended very badly for me and I think sometimes it scares me how good I feel with her about.  I get that old feeling of deja vu and it hurts at times but I haave conquered that pain and now I just have a few others to fight off.

I haven't heard from her for days and when I don't I start to get that bad feeling I had when my life kind of crumbled and crashed because 'my world' had left me without an explanation or any chance to talk it through or even say goodbye.  I sometimes come online hoping to just pass her long enough to say hi but I sometimes see she has been or still is online but she isn't in a mood to talk to me... or even say hi.

I will admit I read her last blog and it saddened me to know that the things she mentioned in it were things that I thought we had in our relationship but I guess my view of things was clouded by how I felt and still feel about her.  I guess my feeling alone is because I seem to always be left out, never thought of as worthy and even my own sister recently failed to recognise my existence in a conversation that pertained to family members.  So as a result my confidence and self esteem are in a big low right now.

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