Back once more...

Recently had to reformat my computer due to a virus and in the process of seeking it out I found a few old things that I had done that had fallen by the wayside... this was one of them.  I think now though it will be back.

been a while....

I haven't been in here for so so long and to be honest I hadn't missed it because things were going well and I was enjoying life and living the dream... only problem is the dream became a nightmare.

I had a lovely wonderful loving girlfriend but I lost her and the reason I did is a chemical imbalance within my brain that caused me no end of grief and made her life a bit of a living hell. I never knew of this problem but now I am working hard to fix it so that I can live and love to the fullest extent.

I started treatment and instantly could feel a difference, the thing is the condition has been with me since I was a teenager and could have been the cause of a lot of my relationship issues and problems such as depression, anxiety and my constant self doubt.

I have needed friends around me the past few weeks to talk about things and to understand things better because I am finding out things I never knew and never realised...and my friends are the ones who can help me the most, I just wish all of them were able to talk to me.

Looking back...

I know that sometimes I wasn't the best person to talk to and we did drift apart but to be honest I think we may have needed that to realise just how much we mean to each other because even when you were not talking to me you were in my thoughts.

I don't know how much you thought of me or how many nights you would lay awake in bed thinking of the things we used to do, the things we talked of doing or how special our time was.  I guess I will never know just how much I mean to you and I do want to find out... and I know you mean a lot to me.

oh my been so long since I was here...

I have to admit I had gotten busy with so many things.. surgery and work are the main two and naturally things slip through, this site was one of them.

Mainly because the only person who meant anything in here rarely came here and I guess we lost each other for a bit but I was skimming through old things here and came across this again so I will be back to let the world know what is happening.

ok... been a while ...

Well work has been crazy and I am still to have my operations... although I do now have the go ahead for one... gonna get my finger chopped open again so that they can fix it coz the 'butcher' that did the first work really made a hatchet job of it and the bone has spurs coming off it and it makes the whole finger damn sore... I just wish it didn't need surgery to be fixed but that is why it will take.

Am still waiting on my second operation and that one will be organised once I am over my finger operation, just hope that it isn't too long as I have plans of taking a trip from Australia to the US... and there is a bit of a time frame involved there.... hope I can do it when I want to.

what the............

I've been busy with work for several weeks mainly because I am carrying 2 injuries that require surgery.. one is a hernia ( a tear in the weakened wall of my abdomen has allowed my intestines to pass thru it) which is pretty painful and I am able to provide it some relief by laying down on my back or side.  I have spent all day doing this and it hasn't done that much at all and I feel like I am so useless right now too.

Put the fact that I have been busting my gut at work (pardon the pun there too people) so as to get the area I work in running better.  Long hours and horrible conditions would normally entitle you to a better wage but with work they don't wanna pay me extra so I think they are just being a pain in the ass.  This is one thing that continues to bite with me especially when unproven workers are coming in off the street and getting more money than I am.

I also need more work done on my partially amputated right index finger, this will require the removal of a small portion of bone that was intentionally left by another surgeon.  This piece of bone is causing issues with splits, cracks and bone spurs.  The easiest way to stop them is to take it out fully which the surgeon who is doing the repair said should've been done in the first place

The Pain of Life...

Been having myself a bit of a bad run with things lately - which isn't unusual for me as I tend to have a bad run every now and then.  Of course I dunno exactly where to start now since I am a bit sore and so forth. I had a finger partially amputated in April last year and the surgeon left a small amount of bone there which is at present giving me grief, this is because that small piece of bone has bone spurs, little bone splinters that keep on growing and causing pain.

Add to this the fact that I had a bad tooth which I recently had checked, it had been sore for sometime and as it turned out it had a hole that had exposed a nerve so it was either root canal or extraction.  A root canal is expensive and doesn't always work so extraction was the best option, plus it was a Wisdom tooth so it was way down the back out of the way.  His neighbour also has a hole which will need fixing in a couple weeks.

Thirdly I now have a hernia, which is when a section of your intestines pushes through a hole caused by a tear or weakening in the muscle sheet that surrounds the stomach.  My hernia is close to my navel and would most likely be classed as a Reducible Umbilical Hernia, which is more common in pregnant women and newborn babies.  I got it by lifting this big gas cylinder and to be honest it felt like a light muscle strain at first but a couple days later it was really sore and then I noticed a bit of a bump, the bump is a sure sign of a hernia.

I have to admit I didn't think the hernia would be this uncomfortable or painful, and I am doing all I can to make it less painful (without using pain medication) because I would rather live in pain than become over reliant on drugs to survive like some people around this place. We have this guy who visits and if you pull out a panadol for a headache, he suddenly needs 2 for his headache and will be back every day for another 2 until the pack is empty.

At this time I have to admit I feel like someone has jabbed a baseball bat into my stomach above my belly button.  The pain is what is keeping me awake but eventually even that will succumb to the bodies need for sleep.  I know I can stay functional for 3 days with only an hours sleep here or there (one of many things I learnt when I was a soldier in the Army)

Friends...

Friends are people you trust & respect as you would a trusted family member.  Some friends are amazing, they will go out of their way to help while others sit back uncaringly when all you need is positive words.

There are days we need our friends more than we realise & their words are comfort to us when we are down.  Sometimes it's something they can't help with but just knowing they care helps a lot.

What a WEEK...

Well it started out with me relaxing at home on a hot and steamy Sunday. It was still hot and steamy at 6:30am Monday morning when I arrived at work, the day only got hotter amd as it turned out the Tuesday and Wednesday were as bad with the temperature being in the low 40C range.  The first 3 days of the week were hot and filled with a variety of work related issues which were highly frustrating to say the least.

Thankfully Thursday was a better day kind of, for me waking up at 4am wasn't what I would like an nor was starting at 5:15am so as to get the important work completed... and I did my day of work ended at 5:30pm - so a mere 11 hours of work.  In that 11 hours I did a full 2 days of work - felt like I was running a never ending marathon to be honest. What makes it all the more amazing was the fact that this feat was accomplished on a day when the temperature was hovering so close to 40C for the afternoon and was 35C by 10am.

Friday wasn't much better temperature wise either - hovering over 35C and having a lot of work to get done, I have to admit getting home at 7pm after a day at work on a Friday is nobodies idea of 'fun'.  I was literally asleep on my feet, and of course I still had several hours of volunteer work to attend to, this was postponed until Saturday morning and as my week had been even a 'relaxing' morning turned to a stressful hell of a time.  Thank god things got better and I had a relaxing afternoon of fun in the sun.

yudda yudda yudda

Time for some rather random ramblings, I have to admit these last few weeks have been pretty weird but I have been quite happy throughout them, considering that they have had a bit of pain & suffering I am feeling amazing.

For about a month I have had a bad toothache in a couple of my wisdom teeth which of course makes eating painful at times. Then there is my back which I have strained some muscles, I keep just plodding along and doing what I can just to keep the ball rolling so to speak.  I have an infection in a finger and have had that about a week and a half, but most recently I hurt my big toe.

I was playing cricket and got hit on the end of the toe by the cricket ball, it really hurt & I said a few unsavoury words and then got back to playing the game.  After I took my shoe off & the end of my sock had a dark red circle, so I knew that it had done some damage and then took the sock off.  The toe nail had torn and split and had a bit of blood over it, I know it was really sore and my instinct was to go and get it checked out at the hospital - well I did that and I will be going back today for an X-ray as the doctor thinks I may've fractured my big toe... OUCH is all I can say really.

Formspring..... Ask me questions people...

Busy... busy... busy

Well this last weekend has been to put it simple and blunt... BUSY, I was up at 5am both Saturday and Sunday and even worked a full standard day on a Sunday.  That was after being awake at 5am Saturday so that the cricket ground was ready for the days match.  This alone is a lot of work but it's made more difficult by inadequate equipment & facilities.

VALE - Kaylee...

an online friend recent met tragedy, when her little girl died aged just 4 years and 9 months old.... I was finally able to talk to her mother.

Kaylee drowned in the family pool, something which has shocked her mum because she never went near the pool without them there, and she was always careful so naturally she's in a great deal of shock.  The paramedics revived Kaylee and rushed her to hospital, but on the way to hospital she died because she had so much water in her lungs and couldn't breathe. This is a very tragic and sad end to a lovely cheerful happy young lady.

Fare the well...

This evening I went to a dinner for a couple of friends who are moving away because one's mum is really sick and they are moving to help look after her.  The evening was rather solemn too because some of the other friend buried an uncle today and was already rather sad.  I had a quiet and respectful evening talking with friends and mingling yet all the while I could feel the sadness welling in my mind.

More of my friends were going away, albiet they weren't close but they were good friends I will miss them both and their gorgeous little baby who is always so very cute and so full of energy.  Having worked with the guy for 5 years and having been friends with him and having many friends in the same circles was good but we all know that they both will be sadly missed by a lot of people. I know they are moving for a good reason but even so it hurts to see friends go and of course it does remind me of old wounds that are always going to be open but the more I have to deal with this kind of thing the easier it is becoming.

missing friends

working early and so forth means I miss my chats with my friends around the world ... I have some I e-mail but most are MSN - late nights is my main time .... it's hard now with early starts so I end up missing more

Random ranting

I was asked by a friend how much I weighed - well to be honest I hadn't a clue but the last time I did weigh myself I was about 90kg.. since it was christmas I thought well I usually put on 2 or 3kg... so I added but to my surprise when I weighed myself I was 86kg and that was without doing as much exercise as I had planned due to a few days of excessive heat (almost 50 degrees centigrade). Work has been majorly busy and I have been flat out so that could be helping me with the weight loss without me realising it.

Also the other day at work I bumped my finger and that was a bad thing because it was the one that I cut the tip off... I think it might have a bone spur (which is a small bone growth coming off the end of the bone.)  If it is a bone spur then it is very highly likely that it will need to be removed and that would mean surgery - making it 3 operations in 5 years on my right hand or wrist.

My local sports team which has me as club president has their top team playing in a Grand Final in a couple weeks and I most likely will be there but not playing - my capacity will be more official than anything because winning will mean accepting a trophy and prize money so I hope the boys do well for the district.

don't you just hate when...

you find yourself in an awesomely good mood and you have something that stops you from going out and having fun, something like a massive toothache because you couldn't get in to see a dentist because they are all booked out for weeks.

The worst part is the fact that now that sore tooths is ulcerated and means it is even more painful and the gum bleeds because of the ulcer so right now I feel great but I can't do anything coz I am sore and it is just way too hot, it is 41c(105f)  at 7:30pm... that is hot in any mans language - I can't go for a swim coz I could get an infection in my ulcer and I wanna go for a swim so bad

been feeling a bit all alone... and worthless...

I have friends all around the world, and here at home and I have a family who are pretty close but that doesn't help when there are only a few people you can really truly say that you can trust or talk to about some things.

I have one particular friend who is so easy to talk to and so amazing that sometimes I forget she is a solid 3 day drive away from me... sometimes I feel like she is just that little trip around the corner and down the block.  The ease at which I feel when she's around is unlike anything I have experienced in such a very long time.  The only person who I felt this comfy around I was once engaged to and that ended very badly for me and I think sometimes it scares me how good I feel with her about.  I get that old feeling of deja vu and it hurts at times but I haave conquered that pain and now I just have a few others to fight off.

I haven't heard from her for days and when I don't I start to get that bad feeling I had when my life kind of crumbled and crashed because 'my world' had left me without an explanation or any chance to talk it through or even say goodbye.  I sometimes come online hoping to just pass her long enough to say hi but I sometimes see she has been or still is online but she isn't in a mood to talk to me... or even say hi.

I will admit I read her last blog and it saddened me to know that the things she mentioned in it were things that I thought we had in our relationship but I guess my view of things was clouded by how I felt and still feel about her.  I guess my feeling alone is because I seem to always be left out, never thought of as worthy and even my own sister recently failed to recognise my existence in a conversation that pertained to family members.  So as a result my confidence and self esteem are in a big low right now.

Ouch - the pain....

Over the past week or so I have had a bit of a sore tooth, and it has appreciably worsened over the last 2 days.  So much so that I have a monster toothache which is effecting my sleep patterns and throwing the first curve ball at me for this year.  The tooth happens to be the upper left wisdom tooth (when you look at me face on it's the right side of my face.)  It is effecting my left cheek and orbit and as a result is therefore putting pressure on my left sinus cavity and giving me a killer headache.

I think it will be a case of out it comes - but when it comes out will be the question as I have known several people over the past month who have had bad wisdom teeth for weeks before they even looked like being removed. I want someone to smack me in the mouth really hard and knock this damn tooth out for me... argggghhhhhh it is such a pain.

2 days n 2 storms :)

So far 2010 has been a good year for me thus far, (apart from having my car bogged in mud for 6 hours on New Years Eve. However - it was in ways fun though, I guess).

Last night's storm woke me around 12:40am as I was in bed and asleep by 8pm last night as I tired from the exhausting day before and the fact I had maybe an hour or 2 of sleep.  Of course this can also be attributed to my sore mouth (got a wisdom tooth that is really painful at the moment)  Anyway back to the blog, lightning flashing in waves overhead was awesome and it was like Mother Nature had set up her own strobe light to brighten up the evening. Of course this meant the thunder rolled through in waves of Boom, Boom, Boom.

I managed to stay up and watch that for a few hours - not a wise thing because now I am again so very tired and may just take an afternoon nap to recharge my drained batteries. All I know is that my sleep lately has been very light and I think a trip to the dentist will rectify that problem so I will get right on top of that first thing Monday when I make an appointment to see my doctor - which is for a couple things, one is as part of my Operation 365 which I am still busily organising, and if it goes off correctly then it will become a yearly standard for me so here's hoping for good things.