Ok today has been a strange one to say the least, I spent it waking around 7:30 and that is unusual because it was a day off and normally I can sleep in. I didn't have any special plans for the day to be honest and I was just gonna pretty much wing it all day long. I started off doing a little work, designing some stuff for the local cricket club that goes in the local pub. I got most of it done but got a case of 'that'll do for now' and just sat back and listened to music for a while.
I watched a movie, had a bit of a nap as I was still tired after the events of yesterday, having worked long hours on a very hot day. That not only had me weakened physically but also mentally and normally this is when I am at my most vulnerable, thankfully nothing happened today to upset my normally delicate balance when I am vulnerable. I was so relaxed and calm today for some reason and I have a feeling that part of it is do to do with things that have been going thru my mind for the past few weeks and so forth.
The many things are all good things and my life seems to finally be realigning itself onto the right course. I'm drawing again which is a sign that mentally I am back to my old self, as is the listening to music lots and just relaxing. Being artistic and creative is how I relax, I haven't written many poems since last year or done any story writing but I know it isn't far away.
To be honest the more elaborate my dreams are at night the more I feel my creative mind is finally getting itself back into a rythmn that will be overflowing with creativity in no time flat... then look out world.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Lately...
I have to admit I've had so much going on that it has been muddling up my thoughts and stuff so of course there are times when a series of things has combined to create something interesting - like some of my recent dreams. I know that some of the aspects of the dream were something that I haven't fully elaborated on but that is because I'm a little ashamed to fully express them in such a public medium. I have been able to talk about them with friends, namely those in them but that's about it really because I feel they don't really belong to anyone else but me and those shown in the dreams.
Same as sometimes the full nature of those dreams is only something I know fully, if I can remember it all that is as some dreams do have areas that I can't really remember even though I have an idea why that is and I'm sure if the people in the dream asked me what it was then I may be able to tell them otherwise I try not to think about them as they are a subconscious projection of things that I have either been talking or thinking about and usually what is in them won't eventuate but naturally many of the things are things I wish would happen.
Same as lately there had been things that happened in the past year or so that I needed to get out and off my chest and to be honest they were a bit hard to talk about because some of the memories associated with it all are painful but to really go forward I had to venture back a little and because I have done that I am far more relaxed and at ease with where things currently stand because I know I haven't let anyone down and I'm sure that those who matter know exactly what they mean to me. As the saying goes "Sometimes those that mind don't matter while those that don't mind sometimes matter"
Of all the people that are (or have been) a part of my life only a few truly matter and what I feel about them will never change, they may grow, change and sometimes they might even fall from my life but their memories and the things they gave me will alway remain. Two people who are gone now and never forgotten are my grandparents (my dad's folks) they have both had an influence and effect on my life and the things I learnt from them will always be something I will cherish.
My grandmother said to me once, respect and trust can be very hard to gain but they are so easily lost. I was young then and to be honest I didn't understand but now more than ever I can understand them. Only because my trust and respect was once beaten up and spat out by someone who was my whole world. If I give you my respect and trust then there must be a very strong reason for this because to be honest it doesn't get given out that easily, it is more precious than gold and almost as precious as my heart. I used to fall in love easily as a teen and now I give out my heart even less often than I do my trust and respect.
I know it sounds rather melodramatic but the truth is trust can be more fragile than centuries old paper and like the old books they are made into when the paper is gone their is nothing left. I finally am fully content and back to being the person I once was many many years ago before my world went dark and forboding on me, finally the light has returned and I feel like a new person, more alive and relaxed than ever before.
Same as sometimes the full nature of those dreams is only something I know fully, if I can remember it all that is as some dreams do have areas that I can't really remember even though I have an idea why that is and I'm sure if the people in the dream asked me what it was then I may be able to tell them otherwise I try not to think about them as they are a subconscious projection of things that I have either been talking or thinking about and usually what is in them won't eventuate but naturally many of the things are things I wish would happen.
Same as lately there had been things that happened in the past year or so that I needed to get out and off my chest and to be honest they were a bit hard to talk about because some of the memories associated with it all are painful but to really go forward I had to venture back a little and because I have done that I am far more relaxed and at ease with where things currently stand because I know I haven't let anyone down and I'm sure that those who matter know exactly what they mean to me. As the saying goes "Sometimes those that mind don't matter while those that don't mind sometimes matter"
Of all the people that are (or have been) a part of my life only a few truly matter and what I feel about them will never change, they may grow, change and sometimes they might even fall from my life but their memories and the things they gave me will alway remain. Two people who are gone now and never forgotten are my grandparents (my dad's folks) they have both had an influence and effect on my life and the things I learnt from them will always be something I will cherish.
My grandmother said to me once, respect and trust can be very hard to gain but they are so easily lost. I was young then and to be honest I didn't understand but now more than ever I can understand them. Only because my trust and respect was once beaten up and spat out by someone who was my whole world. If I give you my respect and trust then there must be a very strong reason for this because to be honest it doesn't get given out that easily, it is more precious than gold and almost as precious as my heart. I used to fall in love easily as a teen and now I give out my heart even less often than I do my trust and respect.
I know it sounds rather melodramatic but the truth is trust can be more fragile than centuries old paper and like the old books they are made into when the paper is gone their is nothing left. I finally am fully content and back to being the person I once was many many years ago before my world went dark and forboding on me, finally the light has returned and I feel like a new person, more alive and relaxed than ever before.
Why the fuss?
They call it the race that stops a nation and to be honest I can't see what all the fuss is about really, simply put it is just a horse race and there are far too many people that go way overboard on a day like this. Instead of worrying about the race I've been relaxing at home watching movies, listening to music and doing the odd spot of cleaning.
I can bet if I turned the TV on to normal shows at the time of the race they would have it showing on every channel almost, how lame is that? I mean you don't need everyone showing the same thing, it's like switching channels to find the same advert is on 3 or more channels it gets annoying. Thankfully I can just turn up my music and listen to the sound of Hayley Williams voice as I relax.
I can bet if I turned the TV on to normal shows at the time of the race they would have it showing on every channel almost, how lame is that? I mean you don't need everyone showing the same thing, it's like switching channels to find the same advert is on 3 or more channels it gets annoying. Thankfully I can just turn up my music and listen to the sound of Hayley Williams voice as I relax.
Monday, November 2, 2009
work... sometimes it's better to be sick
we all do it but sometimes we would rather be doing something else, students whine about school and how they hate their teachers coz they are tough. Bill Gates (Mr. Microsoft) said once that teachers are easy, just wait until you get a boss.
Of course work is sometimes easy and sometimes hard, we get paid for it and sometimes we aren't paid what we are worth while others are paid way too much for their lack of skills or knowledge. Take where I work for example a simple business that manufactures a series of products for the national and international markets and of course they were silly enough to expore to China so now they have a similar cheaper product to compete with that is of a lesser quality thankfully.
I should get to the point of this blog now I guess... anyway I started work at 6:30am and I work in a large steel framed shed with corrugated iron for walls and the roof. This lovely shed has zero air conditioners and has just 3 big industrial fans. I work with steel and generally have to weld and grind the material to create the product which in itself is normally rather hot work. Today I finished at 4:30pm and during the day listened to the radio station giving the local weather forecast and at 3:00pm the temperature was 41 degrees Celsius (105.8 Fahrenheit for those that use the old measure) normal safe working practices require staff to stop when temperatures exceed 37 Celsius (98.7 Fahrenheit)
I've worked in that shed when the temperature in my personal work space was 45.3 Celsius, (113.5 Fahrenheit) - I kept working because the orders don't stop coming in, the irony here is a machine we use to cut the steel is run by computer and when it is operated in temperatures over 37 degrees it can overheat and cause a wide range of problems for us to deal with. Whereas a person works slow and steady getting the job done correctly, so sometimes machines aren't worth it.
Of course work is sometimes easy and sometimes hard, we get paid for it and sometimes we aren't paid what we are worth while others are paid way too much for their lack of skills or knowledge. Take where I work for example a simple business that manufactures a series of products for the national and international markets and of course they were silly enough to expore to China so now they have a similar cheaper product to compete with that is of a lesser quality thankfully.
I should get to the point of this blog now I guess... anyway I started work at 6:30am and I work in a large steel framed shed with corrugated iron for walls and the roof. This lovely shed has zero air conditioners and has just 3 big industrial fans. I work with steel and generally have to weld and grind the material to create the product which in itself is normally rather hot work. Today I finished at 4:30pm and during the day listened to the radio station giving the local weather forecast and at 3:00pm the temperature was 41 degrees Celsius (105.8 Fahrenheit for those that use the old measure) normal safe working practices require staff to stop when temperatures exceed 37 Celsius (98.7 Fahrenheit)
I've worked in that shed when the temperature in my personal work space was 45.3 Celsius, (113.5 Fahrenheit) - I kept working because the orders don't stop coming in, the irony here is a machine we use to cut the steel is run by computer and when it is operated in temperatures over 37 degrees it can overheat and cause a wide range of problems for us to deal with. Whereas a person works slow and steady getting the job done correctly, so sometimes machines aren't worth it.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Love can be painful...
I know this from my own personal experiences, to be totally honest love is that powerful it can kill and I personally have been down the dark path of love before. Sure love can be all roses and happy things but when it goes bad it can become a monster that none of us can stop. We don't realise just how potent this one emotion and feeling can be until it has us fully in its grasp.
When one of my past relationships fell apart before I knew what had happened I found myself in a place so dark and unforgiving that I actually thought I wouldn't get out of it alive. Thankfully I had friends there that helped me find a way out of that hell hole I had thrown myself into and with a lot of work and help I recovered my life and my sanity. That love almost destroyed me completely but since then I have learned to cope with many of lifes trials and tribulations including finding and losing love over and over again.
The one thing that I never thought possible was loving that strongly again, but of course I was wrong and to be totally honest I had found love could be even stronger than that I had felt before. I still feel that love now and battle daily to maintain myself and my sanity because unfortunately the woman I love currently loves another. I respect her as a person and she is a good friend whom I trust more than anyone I've ever knowm for some reason and that for me is such an enormous step considering the events of my past.
She loved me once and to be honest I still feel that she loves me but she is scared to fully commit herself for some reason and I think part of that is to do with events that happened last year. She felt the pain of love very badly last year and I wanted so much to be there for her and comfort her but alas I was over 2000 kilometres away and not able to get there for her. I'm sure she knows how bad I feel for not being there for her and for not being able to comfort her, especially when her pain caused the rebirth of some of my own personal demons.
I found myself battling the horrible ghosts of my past at the same time because I wasn't there for her and felt that I had seriously let her down and ruined her trust in me. This was something that had reared itself when my previous relationship turned sour because she left me stranded without an explanation or a reason and I felt that I had been the one at fault and caused her to leave. Naturally this wasn't the case but when you blame yourself incessantly for weeks on end it becomes a part of your natural thinking.
As it turns out I had a relapse of those old feelings because I felt that I had failed her, let her down and felt that I had not properly shown her the love she so deserved to experience. Since then however I have learnt many things and I know now that she knew how much I cared about her, because she was worried about me as much as I was about her. That's because she knows how bad my past was and how close to destroying me it had become.
If I could change those events I would gladly do that because I hate to see her in pain, even more so if I couldn't stop her pain I would give anything to have been there to comfort her like she wanted me to. I would've sold my soul to the devil if it meant she was ok and safe, because to me nothing is more important than her and that is why love can be so painful. We can easily forgo ourselves for others and sometimes when we do we leave ourselves open and vulnerable... there are people out there that pray on that vulnerability like a few ex-girlfriends of mine and one of her ex-boyfriends.
When one of my past relationships fell apart before I knew what had happened I found myself in a place so dark and unforgiving that I actually thought I wouldn't get out of it alive. Thankfully I had friends there that helped me find a way out of that hell hole I had thrown myself into and with a lot of work and help I recovered my life and my sanity. That love almost destroyed me completely but since then I have learned to cope with many of lifes trials and tribulations including finding and losing love over and over again.
The one thing that I never thought possible was loving that strongly again, but of course I was wrong and to be totally honest I had found love could be even stronger than that I had felt before. I still feel that love now and battle daily to maintain myself and my sanity because unfortunately the woman I love currently loves another. I respect her as a person and she is a good friend whom I trust more than anyone I've ever knowm for some reason and that for me is such an enormous step considering the events of my past.
She loved me once and to be honest I still feel that she loves me but she is scared to fully commit herself for some reason and I think part of that is to do with events that happened last year. She felt the pain of love very badly last year and I wanted so much to be there for her and comfort her but alas I was over 2000 kilometres away and not able to get there for her. I'm sure she knows how bad I feel for not being there for her and for not being able to comfort her, especially when her pain caused the rebirth of some of my own personal demons.
I found myself battling the horrible ghosts of my past at the same time because I wasn't there for her and felt that I had seriously let her down and ruined her trust in me. This was something that had reared itself when my previous relationship turned sour because she left me stranded without an explanation or a reason and I felt that I had been the one at fault and caused her to leave. Naturally this wasn't the case but when you blame yourself incessantly for weeks on end it becomes a part of your natural thinking.
As it turns out I had a relapse of those old feelings because I felt that I had failed her, let her down and felt that I had not properly shown her the love she so deserved to experience. Since then however I have learnt many things and I know now that she knew how much I cared about her, because she was worried about me as much as I was about her. That's because she knows how bad my past was and how close to destroying me it had become.
If I could change those events I would gladly do that because I hate to see her in pain, even more so if I couldn't stop her pain I would give anything to have been there to comfort her like she wanted me to. I would've sold my soul to the devil if it meant she was ok and safe, because to me nothing is more important than her and that is why love can be so painful. We can easily forgo ourselves for others and sometimes when we do we leave ourselves open and vulnerable... there are people out there that pray on that vulnerability like a few ex-girlfriends of mine and one of her ex-boyfriends.
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