Illusions...

Our mind is an amazing strange yet wonderful thing, magicians continue to chose to trick the mind into seeing things that are not really happening.

Alas sometimes we can also fool ourselves and that can be very bad not only for us but those around us because when we are fooled by ourself then we can also end up hurting those around us.

The worst pain to get is one that we feel is there and real but in fact it is just a figment of our own cruel and twisted imaginations. I have experienced so many bad things in my life and a lot of those are hiding deep within my mind, I keep many locked away as good as I can but there are times of weakness when they force their way out and wreak havoc with me and my state of mind.

I do not condone the things I did and I have apologised to the most important person in my life but I cannot excuse myself as simply as she did because I hurt her and I personally feel that I deserve a far more severe punishment. One more befitting of what I did than a simple heartfelt apology, real pain is what I deserve........

Life is Like a Broken Mirror

I guess this old saying comes to light more with recent events in my life and I have to admit I feel so very stupid because I made assumptions about many things and they were totally wrong and for that I feel so bad.

When we look at ourselves in a normal mirror everything is where it should be, but you take a hammer and hit that mirror hard enough to break it then you will see the shards of your life... parts of time and space that can be called events within the fabric of your being - look closely and you will make some things out clearly but others you will have no idea about and that my friends is why life is like a broken mirror - because what we sometimes see and feel isn't what is really there.

I owe someone very important and special to me the biggest longest apology ever made and I hope that deep within her heart she can forgive this total and complete fool who let the demons of his past cloud his present and take a hammer to his mirror once more.

I would not blame her if she never ever forgave me but I know that after talking with her I feel so much better and far more clear than I have the past 24 or so hours.... thank you to the most amazing wonderful woman I know.

Real friends, true friends.. and fake ones..

A friend is someone who we can talk to when we feel the need to.

A real friend is there to offer support and guidance, sometimes they will be right there with you but not always.
The true friend will be there with you every step of the way, usually in the thick of it right alongside you.
A fake friend will be there too, they don't help they just sit back and watch waiting for you to fall so they can laugh.

Real friends look out for you, help you with the little things and have fun with you when they can.
True friends are real friends but they are there for you when things are bad too, they even remember important stuff like your birthday and think of you as a part of them.
Fake friends are there when they want to be, they don't care about you but will have fun with you because it suits or benefits them.

A real friend will do things for you and get you things you can use, they generally like to get help in return.
Your true friend will do things and get stuff without asking why or expecting anything back.
Of course your fake friend might help but they'd usually give 20 question and expect payment in full as soon as possible.

When you're in trouble for some reason or another a real friend might step in and help but they might step back and not help, a true friend will be there beside you all the way making the best of it for you and a fake friend will just spread the rumours about you.

WHICH ONE ARE YOU?

just a few thoughts....

I'm currently laying on my bed listening to a bit of music, talking with a friend and contemplating the world.

I guess looking back through my life I can honestly say so far it has been a bumpy ride which has taken me to hell and back, the irony of it all is the fact Marilyn Manson wrote a song called "Long Hard Road Outta Hell" and now I can totally understand what he meant. No matter how far you drive away from it, the cold hard fact is it sits there right behind you.

Thankfully for me the long road out has been illuminated by someone who means a great deal to me, they continue to be my help, drive & inspiration. Whenever the road is hard & tough all I need to do is think of what this person means to me & I feel myself lifting up & moving forward more & more each day....

isn't it funny...

yesterday was a bit crazy, but then again so was today. Yet throughout today I felt really good and very special for some reason, I attributed that reasion initially to one thing but I've come to realise it was more than that. I found that it was a collection of things which when studied closely all were linked to one aspect of my life. That part of my life is the one thing that makes me truly happy and couldn't be any more evident than it was for a few hours this afternoon.

I also found myself feeling totally amazing all afternoon just from the euphoria I had for several hours, a euphoria that still lingers now. It's probably because the reason I felt good reappeared briefly in my life again. The person that gives me these feelings of bliss only needs to smile for me to be happy and I keep noticing that the time has a habit of seemingly standing still. I know now that I'm not the only person who feels this. I do in fact feel extra special this evening and just maybe that's why I am still awake, as my energy levels etc are peaking still.

I would never want this person to change for me, she has made some changes in her life. I think they are one's she felt she needed to make and I feel some are for the better. I really don't care about my own happiness because if she's happy then I know I will be too. When she's hurt I have been able to sometimes sense her pain, that has freaked me out a bit too.