Like ... WOW

On the weekend I went to a final for a winter sport and the funny thing was the weather was more suited to a summer sport... then woke up this morning and the roof of my car had ice on it but I could've gotten sunburned if I was outside this afternoon.

I've been really happy the last couple days as well, so much so that the little things that usually tend to bother or maybe upset me had zero effect on me. I did have this way awesome dream last night as I woke up feeling somewhat euphoric (there is a word for you too look up if you don't know it). I don't actually remember the content or nature of the dream but guaging my feelings I would hazard a guess and say one particular person featured in that dream quite significantly.

I have a few aches and pains from the weekend, mainly a sore ankle which was hit by a cricket ball - and is a little bit bruised at this time. It was made a bit more annoying by my work boots which rub it constantly but it hasn't stopped me feeling good or smiling.

A New Beginning...

Like many people I have good & bad memories and try to at all cost not think of the bad things. That doesn't always happen & to be honest I generally use the good memories to combat the bad ones.

In the last 18 months I would have to say I've been thru so much more than I expected, never in my wildest dreams or thoughts come up with my last 18 months. I've gained, lost & experienced many things that are good & bad unfortunately. I find comfort in the good things yet the bad always trouble the mind. Keeping the good to fight the bad seems to be my thing but others prefer to forget.

I was taught that to see where you're going you nust be able to see where you have been. For if you get lost you can go back & find your wat forward again. I will try to forget most of the last 18 months as I would rather lose that than the friendship of a very special person. They know who they are & also they know just how I feel.

I've been thinking...

and the more I look at things from this angle & that I find I see some interesting things especially when I look at the thing you've said in relation to this guy & that guy. I can't lie to you & I never could or would. In each of those people I've noticed they share attributes with me, I know that it may be just my perspective but things they did for you that you remember arew things I said that I'd do just for you.





I continue to be here for you, I've been here for you now for a couple years, I guess you could say I've been a big part of your life. It was my intervention that got 'R' to get you away from 'B'. I told her to do it as even then I could sense something very special about you. The more we talked, the more I found myself being drawn to you. The night 'R' got you away from 'B' was the very first night I knew how important to me you were. I couldn't stand what was happening and had to act, being this far away all I could do was send 'R' there.





For the time after that we talked more and more and I know that grew our bond, a bond I don't think has been broken, merely stretched so bad. I know that during that time 'B' worked hard to break us, that resulted in him saying those lies & faking conversations. He really hurt you with all that & you not trusting me was one of the things that pushed me back into that old darkness. In that place I was so lost and scared and got help to find my way out but I needed to take a step back so that I didn't hurt you.



I now realise me stepping back probably made you think 'B' was right, he lied and I can still not say the words he says I did. I still feel as strongly for you now as I did then, I have tried to be there for you all the time and comfort you and be your friend because that is something I feel I need to do. I also think that the guys you've been with all have some attribute that is also mine and I think that is coz you've been trying to find me there.. in them.



I know you still care coz you got 'R' to message me when my computer died and I had the phone trouble. We still talk a lot like nothing changed, in that we can just sit n talk for ages about all sorts of random stuff. I have helped you with things and you've helped me with some of my own too yet I still owe you a lot more help. I also remember a promise I made to you about the hugs n kisses - that tally still remains uncollected, and I would love to pay them to you... over a lifetime.



Sorry I know that makes you uncomfortable and I think I know why - because you still have strong feelings that you've been trying to stop. I have tried that myself and keep finding it so hard as well because I can't think of my life without you as part of it. If you think different then please let me know ok, because as I feel now you're fighting what you feel like I have been.

How I feel...

I have to admit that I'm a pretty emotional person but lately I've been more than normal.

Last year I fell in love with someone who is still in my heart and thoughts, unfortunately for me they have moved on and even though we are friends they don't keep feeling the things I do. I still get butterflies in my stomach when she's about, she sometimes tries to hide but I can feel here presence as it surrounds me. I find time stands totally still when I talk with her & I seem to get that much energy from her presence that sometimes it's hard to sleep.

I love every little thing about her, those puppy dog eyes, her soft kissable lips and breath taking smile. I love her soft gentle angelic voice, the way she talks relaxes & calms my troubled soul. Her soft skin looks so delicate yet I know she is actually very strong and resilient. I adore her positive smiling nature & happy demeanour as they make me so happy too. Just having her around is like being on some kind of drug, I guess I even get withdrawals when she's not there too.

I love her still so very much, but know that right now all she wants is a friend. I can be that friend yet I know that how I feel about her makes our lives hard as she no longer feels those things that I still feel. I wish at times I didn't fall apart when I did, or people didn't hurt her when they did because deep down I know that's when it all went bad for us. I honestly have never felt this much emotion for any person before.

It scares & unbalances me so very much not just because of how I feel, but because I have been seriously hurt before and also because I know that I have also fallen apart because of that old pain. I get scared by the uncertainty of life even now I fear losing her friendship as I think she doesn't realise I will always love her but know she no longer loves me, she cares about me - that's it.

I continue to try and distance myself from her even now but her pull on me is stronger than that of gravity, maybe stronger than 10G's. I've never once been mad at her, she recently left abruptly & like every other time my anger is directed inward at me. I was why she left, I made her leave... OMG I just realised that this whole thing is like before in that respect...

I really need to give her some space & I should be more understanding of her, I'm trying hard but there are so many things that I've got to deal with still.... I have to apologise to her again for my stupidity & hope she understands & can forgive me still.

what a couple of days...

Yesterday was so rather dark and I felt like the world was against me in more ways than one. I even felt like nobody cared which even though I know this isn't true I still felt it. I had a strong feeling that my friends had abandoned me. I've really had an issue with that feeling because of something that happened to me a long time ago, and having that feeling yesterday was not at all good.

I felt as though my friends and family didn't care if I lived or died, that feeling has only been with me once before and it scared me so very badly yesterday when I again felt it as strongly as that. I tried to get in touch with some of my friends so that I could at least stop feeling that way but as fate would have it they all were busy or something so they didn't return my texts or messages. So as the day wore on I felt like I was walking further away from the light and being more exposed to the darkness.

Adding to these feelings was the fact that I was working alone, I had family and some friends drop their problems in my lap without even asking me if I was ok. I struggled bleakly through the day and was also hurting a bit physically which I think only added to the feelings of utter despair.

Thankfully my brother was there to drive home because I honestly did feel I was capable of undertaking that task properly. I was tired, sore and extremely irritated as well as feeling really like the world wanted to swallow me up and not spit me back out.

I was home for a while when a very good friend popped online and we chatted for a while and I was able to talk to them about my worries and the things bringing me down. I've always been able to talk openly with them and find I can't keep a secret from her at all. She knows my darkest more painful secrets and I respect the fact that she trusts me with her life too.

I was talking to her and she smiled, just your normal IM smile but that was enough for me to break my first smile of the day. Naturally I told her that it was my first for the day and she was jubilant to say the least. We talked for a couple hours in all I think, I don't honestly know because when I'm talking to her there is no time - it seems to stop or lose all meaning.

Today, I texted her to thank her for all her assistance as I had a nice sleep and felt extremely good for once. I was happy to hear back from her and we actually exchanged a variety of texts all day long - something I normally don't seem to do but with her I always seem comfortable.

I naturally had her in my mind most of the day, and because she was in my mind I was smiling continually. I listened to my MP3 player and every song was sung to because I was so happy... I even danced to a few songs - thank god I worked alone again today or people would've had me thrown in a Mental Hospital. I sang a couple songs so loud today that I'm sure someone heard my screeching. The song were by a band called Paramore, I know that I heard one song twice... Chances.

It was appropriate that song played a couple times because it really got me thinking too. I remembered the only time I kind of kept this secret from my lady friend and it was only because the friend that told me wanted it to be a surprise for her and if I told her it'd spoil it. I do know she loved the horse riding along the beach, her friend told me that she was so happy and for that I'm glad I was able to hold that secret long enough.

Even now I think about her, mainly how amazing, beautiful, caring and supportive she is. I love the way her smile warms me and always gets me smiling. Her voice is so soft and has such a gentle angelic nature to it that I'm sure she is from heaven itself. She is just gorgeous, her nature is so up beat and I love how happy she is, I hope that it's me making her smile and happy too.